I\u2019ve felt a little paralyzed lately, not exactly in a bad way (as if there could be a good way), but in a way that sitting down to write \u2013 to write anything \u2013 seems a chore. My work life has gotten so nuts, so gray, so murky and unknown that it\u2019s as if my creativity is being gently but firmly pulled from my brain, as if Dumbledore was standing behind me with his wand to my head, invisibly removing the creativity from my brain in long, wispy strands, and keeping them in his sieve. I\u2019m somatizing like crazy, too- my skin has gone nuts, and if you can believe this, I have ANOTHER UTI. And not just \u201canother\u201d; there have been numerous unreported ones (to this blog anyway) so this is now my fifth or six in as many months- I don\u2019t even remember anymore. Finally, I think my right wrist is finally deciding that typing as quickly as I do is no fun anymore, and whispers of carpal tunnel pain are shooting up from the joint. All in all, it seems to me, it\u2019s time for a big, fat vacation.<\/p>\n
Alas, instead, in two days, I\u2019m going to have elective surgery. This time Wednesday morning, I\u2019ll be walking into the eye institute, where they will strap me down, slice open my eyeballs, and shoot lasers into my eyes. <\/p>\n
I\u2019ve been doing all the crazy pre-op stuff required: hot compresses on my eyes, lid washes, lid massages, and twice daily doses of Theratears vitamins. I\u2019ve been back to the eye institute for another pre-op appointment, and also back to my eye doctor who had to do a final check on my prescription to make sure that nothing whatsoever had shifted in the last three months, and all of it checked out. So, it\u2019s really happening. I don\u2019t really think I\u2019m the elective surgery type, and I\u2019m not even sure exactly WHY I\u2019m doing this anymore, other than my deep hatred of contacts and glasses, as well as the freedom I need from such trappings to really do relief work. But it\u2019s almost as if I made the decision to do this, and so I\u2019m jolly well going to go through with it. The possible complications are horrendous, but\u2026 but if I can wake up in a few days and see well enough not to run into walls, I\u2019ll consider that a thing of such tremendous beauty that it makes all of it worth it- the $50 eye drops, the three trips to Berkeley, the $4000, the 24 hours of goggle-wearing, the 4 weeks of no contact sports (what exactly is included in \u201ccontact sports\u201d?), the post-op hours of worry, etc. <\/p>\n
For a couple of days I am not allowed to read, and therefore I\u2019m also not allowed to write. Perhaps this will be a good rest for my wrist, although even a full weekend does not seem to improve it on a Monday morning.<\/p>\n
What does improve a Monday morning? Waking up with warm arms wrapped fully around me and a cat spooned next to my belly. Waking up and not being able to move, because two living creatures, in that moment, want to be as close to me as possible. And then getting up, starting my days, and hours later, still feeling that warmth. These things I do not take for granted.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I\u2019ve felt a little paralyzed lately, not exactly in a bad way (as if there could be a good way), but in a way that sitting down to write \u2013 to write anything \u2013 seems a chore. My work life has gotten so nuts, so gray, so murky and unknown that it\u2019s as if my […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-103","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlwms.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/103","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlwms.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlwms.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlwms.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlwms.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=103"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/mlwms.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/103\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlwms.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=103"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlwms.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=103"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlwms.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=103"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}