{"id":125,"date":"2005-10-16T13:53:00","date_gmt":"2005-10-16T13:53:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/sbw.webfactional.com\/blog\/?p=125"},"modified":"2005-10-16T13:53:00","modified_gmt":"2005-10-16T13:53:00","slug":"red-cross-gulf-coast","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/mlwms.com\/blog\/2005\/10\/red-cross-gulf-coast\/","title":{"rendered":"Red Cross, Gulf Coast"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Day One<\/p>\n<p>Interesting to me that I haven\u2019t been writing in my journal or blogging.  I don\u2019t know if I\u2019ve had such a tired month, ever in my life.  Every minute of every day, practically, I\u2019ve been exhausted.  It\u2019s been 26 days since I first decided to go back to the Red Cross, and here I am on a flight to Alabama, where I\u2019ll be deployed- somewhere, to do something, but I don\u2019t know what.  It could be days before I\u2019m in the field.  I\u2019ll be coming back sometime in the second week.  Beyond that, I know nothing, nothing.  An hour and a half left in this flight, then another flight to go, and then a night in a shelter or a hotel, and then I\u2019m in the hands of the Red Cross.<\/p>\n<p>(later)<\/p>\n<p>Yesterday, at 2PM, I got my deployment call.  Tonight I\u2019m in a hotel in Montgomery, Alabama, a place I\u2019ve never been and one I\u2019ll most likely not really see.  I have a huge room to myself- larger than any apartment I had in New York, with a king-sized bed.  Propped up on one side, near the night stand, with my knees up, I take up not even a quarter of this massive bed.<\/p>\n<p>We\u2019re not allowed out of this hotel.  There was a shooting outside last night, so we are to stay in our rooms until they come and get us in the morning.  I met two women on the tiny plane that flew us from Atlanta to Montgomery, both from California, both here to serve for three weeks.  Both kind and smart.  Looking forward to breakfasting with them in the morning, and having friends for the day.  We aren\u2019t staying here.  Montgomery is the main HQ for Katrina, but it\u2019s too far away so they are moving us to Mississippi.  Or, that\u2019s the rumor.  Already there are rumors abound.  And these two sweet women said they were taking a little solace in meeting me, since I have some idea of what to expect.  But really, what I know is that none of my expectations will come to pass, so I try not to expect anything.  I\u2019m so curious about tomorrow, and I pray to the gods of sleep to bless me tonight, in this possible last night in a bed\u2026 at least for two weeks.<\/p>\n<p>Day Two<\/p>\n<p>We\u2019re already on the road, 1:30 PM of Day Two.  Leslie, Katie, Michael and I got to HQ this AM about 8:30, where we went through numerous stations- orientation, staff health, card services, then client case training, and then we were basically instantly deployed to Mobile, AL.  <\/p>\n<p>at the center in Montgomery (click on any image to enlarge)&#8230;<br \/><a href=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/1moncent-724763.jpg\"><img decoding=\"async\" style=\"display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;\" src=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/1moncent-722503.jpg\" border=\"0\" alt=\"\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>Since I was deployed as a supervisor, I\u2019ve already been asked to assume that role with a crew of eight.  We are all going to be case workers, which we are told is the first and main contact that many victims will have with the Red Cross.  It\u2019s hard to believe that so many people still have not had any contact.  But to get services, folks need some sort of ID, and some are just now being let back into their homes or they\u2019ve had to reapply for state ID or licenses.  Or they\u2019ve just not been able to get to us yet.  Or they are scammers.<\/p>\n<p>The Red Cross has already provided assistance to more people than the entire populations of all the states in the Gulf Coast.  Apparently, people are borrowing each other\u2019s kids to claim dependents; scammers are hitting numerous shelters in the same day, before the paperwork can be processed, claming need and receiving benefits at all of them.  We\u2019ve been told that the National Guard is patrolling the lines of people waiting to get seen, that the lines are violent- people taking out other people to shorten the wait.  Our trainer said that people were throwing bricks from cars to knock out others in line.  It sounds awful.<\/p>\n<p>I don\u2019t know why, but for the first time in years, I don\u2019t know how I feel about being a supervisor, about being in charge of anyone or anything other than myself.  I know I\u2019m qualified, but for some reason, I\u2019m hedging, I\u2019m uncomfortable with it.  <\/p>\n<p>(later)<\/p>\n<p>In Mobile, AL.  We\u2019re in a Ramada Inn- no shelter yet!- directly next to the Civic Center where we\u2019ll be working tomorrow.  I have a supervisor\u2019s meeting at 11 AM, and then I start client casework at 1 PM.  I\u2019m hopeful about the day.  It\u2019s such an easy day, since it\u2019s Sunday, and the center is only open from 1-6.  I have a feeling that the following days are going to be exponentially harder.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m curious about these people here with me- the ones I traveled with today.  Everyone is very nice, but it feels as though no one is opening up quite yet.  I know I\u2019m not, not really, not yet.  Before we got here to the Ramada, we were at the Red Cross chapter here in Mobile, waiting endlessly to find out where we would be staying tonight (and going through yet another orientation).  We were debating the southern snacks- moon pies vs. other Hostess delicacies- when one of the people on my team asked what I did back home.  I told her I was the director of an arts non-profit.  And she nodded and smiled and listened and said, \u201cSo what makes you qualified to be a supervisor?\u201d  She didn\u2019t ask it unkindly, but it was, in a way, a challenge.<\/p>\n<p>Usually I step up to that challenge.  Being a woman, being young, and being blonde and everything else I am, I\u2019m used to having my authority questioned at every turn.  Even when I\u2019m obviously qualified, even when I\u2019m actually running the show, I\u2019m questioned, I\u2019m doubted- sometimes even by my own friends.  But in this case, there was no doubt.  I worked for the Red Cross in New York City.  I responded to more disasters there in my short tenure with them than most workers do in a lifetime in smaller towns.  Beyond that, I ran staging grounds at Ground Zero after 9\/11.  Beyond that, I run a non-profit.  Beyond that, I\u2019m organized, capable, smart.  Beyond that, I was chosen.  <\/p>\n<p>But\u2026 this time was different.  She asked what made me qualified, and all I wanted to say was, \u201cDoesn\u2019t matter.  I don\u2019t want to do it anyway.\u201d  But I didn\u2019t.  I mumbled something about my past work, and left it at that.  I don\u2019t know.  I guess I want to find out what is going to be happening here before someone else decides I\u2019m in charge of anything.  It\u2019s not that I\u2019m fearful, I\u2019m just\u2026 I want to see this from the other side, somehow.<\/p>\n<p>Day Three<\/p>\n<p>Too depressed to write.  Lovely things are happening with my team.   <\/p>\n<p>team 8&#8230;<br \/><a href=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/team8-783261.jpg\"><img decoding=\"async\" style=\"display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;\" src=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/team8-780114.jpg\" border=\"0\" alt=\"\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>Really difficult things are happening in our work.<\/p>\n<p>We are all case workers here, and there must be well over a hundred of us.  We have banks of tables that we share with other case workers and where clients, who wait first outside for hours upon hours and then inside on rows and rows of white chairs, come to see us in a never-ending stream.  As we finish with a client, we raise our hands and the next one is already making his or her way to us down the long rows of tables.  We fill out forms that details their families and their damages, and then we ask them to tell their stories, and then we ask them about their emergency needs, and then we direct them to the appropriate resources.  If only it was as smooth and simple as it sounds.<\/p>\n<p>Yesterday was exhausting and we only worked a half-day in an air-conditioned center, where we provided assistance to everyone who came in the door.  Today we moved into a huge new mega-center- an abandoned Wal-Mart- where the heat and humidity were like a moist, hot blanket and where they changed all the rules and almost everyone who came for assistance was turned down.<\/p>\n<p>early-morning shot, before we open, of the chairs for the waiting clients&#8230;<br \/><a href=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/mobilecenter1-729920.jpg\"><img decoding=\"async\" style=\"display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;\" src=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/mobilecenter1-727682.jpg\" border=\"0\" alt=\"\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>&#8230; and the tables where we work with them.  Not pictured: horrible dripping heat<br \/><a href=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/mobilecenter2-725583.jpg\"><img decoding=\"async\" style=\"display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;\" src=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/mobilecenter2-722463.jpg\" border=\"0\" alt=\"\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>It was terrible.  Everyone\u2019s neighbors have received assistance, everyone heard how much we are giving away, and then suddenly, today, everything changes.  We turned away people with cancer, people who were homeless, people displaced from their homes.  We also turned away scammers and those who had appropriate food, clothing, and shelter, but they hadn\u2019t been turned away before\u2026 it was so hard.  I turned down an elderly grandma, black, who was taking care of four kids and whose life was extremely difficult long before the storm.  She was absolutely lovely, and when I denied her, she took my hand and thanked me, because basically she was accustomed to getting screwed at every turn her whole life.  My next client was a middle-class white mom with minor roof damage, and no emergency needs- but clearly someone used to getting her way.  When I denied her, she became livid, shaking with rage, saying she was going to \u201cmake some calls\u201d and calling me some rather ugly names.  It was so brutal, and so telling about the way this country works.<\/p>\n<p>And yet, my team, my team.  We were all working near each other today.  I was at a table with Rob.  A supervisor came by to ask Rob if he had any construction experience, and if so, would he be willing to do damage assessments in the field?  Rob is a woodworker, with extensive construction experience, but he had told me the night before that he wasn\u2019t interested in doing that kind of work here- that he wanted to be immersed in something totally different.  He started to worm his way out of doing this work when I piped up and said I\u2019d done damage assessment in New York.  The sup then asked if either of us would be willing to be on a damage assessment team\u2026 and then she asked if we were together, and without missing a beat, Rob said \u201cyes\u201d.  He claimed me.  <\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/mont.me-746969.jpg\"><img decoding=\"async\" style=\"display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;\" src=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/mont.me-744992.jpg\" border=\"0\" alt=\"\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>Although my life is strangely solitary, although I spend vast amounts of time on my own and need it that way, I really am tribal by nature.  I really do want to have access to a group of people who share my goals and needs and who love me.  I could not have wished, could not have forseen that I\u2019d end up with such an amazing team out here in Alabama.  And when Rob spoke that \u201cyes\u201d after knowing me for barely a handful of days, that gaping hole that resides in my chest felt a little less empty.<\/p>\n<p>So tired, off to bed.  Maybe tomorrow we can do some good.<\/p>\n<p>Day Four? Five?<\/p>\n<p>It seems as if we\u2019re almost out of clients.  Word got out that we are no longer giving away the store, that you actually have to have current emergency needs- and that we are catching the fraud- and the stampede has turned into a trickle.  I spent all day in the van yesterday doing damage assessment and did not enjoy it\u2026 because there was so little damage to assess, meaning that the folks who tried to claim benefits weren\u2019t really eligible, and also being isolated from the whole group all day.  There must be a hundred case workers here right now, all of them, well, most of them sitting idly.  There is a new rumor that from here, we go to New Orleans.  There is also a rumor that we may be sent home.  I don\u2019t want to go home yet- I\u2019m not done here, not with my clients, not with my team.  Clients approach\u2026<\/p>\n<p>(later)<\/p>\n<p>This is a whole new brand of tired.  I could lay my head down on this table and sleep, sleep, sleep.  We have caught so many fraudulent people today, arrests, even.  Some people have stolen five, six, seven thousand dollars.  Trying to keep my head up.<\/p>\n<p>(later)<\/p>\n<p>And yet, I look around, and see so many faces I\u2019m growing to love.  In the midst of all of this, of the madness and anger and tears and heat and exhaustion, I\u2019ve connected with a man.  A sweet, lovely, confusing, man whom I\u2019ve not even begun to understand.  It\u2019s interesting to watch from the outside- he likes me best when I\u2019m feeling quiet, but I think he\u2019s fascinated by my mania\u2026 well, fascinated and repulsed.  <\/p>\n<p>Day Six<\/p>\n<p>It\u2019s hard to find time to write.  Karissa and I wake up at 5:30 every morning to enjoy the luxury of a shower and a bowl of Raisin Bran before getting to the Center by 7 AM.  It has escaped neither of us that 5:30 here is really 3:30 our time, and the bags underneath our eyes are sprouting bags of their own.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m starting to understand what it is we are doing here.  The last couple of days have been so difficult, so unbearably hot, and filled with angry, disappointed people, and yet, it\u2019s getting easier.<\/p>\n<p>First, the heat.  I hear it might break tomorrow, but I doubt that will have much effect inside the center.  This old, abandoned Wal-Mart probably once had air conditioning, but that was a thing of the past.  We leave the hotel while it is still dark out, but dawn breaks by the time we get to the door, and it is muggy but breezy outside.  We walk into the center and the heat is like a wall.  Within minutes, sweat is tricking down my back, quickly soaking everything I\u2019m wearing, trickling down my calves, pooling in the crooks of my elbows.  I look around me and everyone looks like they just got out of the gym- hairlines are soaked, shirts pitted, everyone glistening from the weight of the heat.  And that\u2019s just the caseworkers.  Our clients have been waiting outside, sometimes since 3 or 4 in the morning, soaking up first the outdoor heat and then waiting in a bank of chairs in the center, all of these bodies- hundreds of clients, hundreds of workers, adding to the heat, the smell.  I\u2019m drinking more water than ever in my life, and I can almost feel it go directly from my mouth to my pores.  I walk to the bathroom at least once an hour, to stretch my legs and clear my head, but peeling off any layer of soaked clothing- knowing it\u2019s going to right back against my skin- is a disgusting sensation.  And, of course, one of the toilets in the women\u2019s bathroom backed up and made quite a mess, but where else can we go?<\/p>\n<p>And then the clients.  For the first five weeks of this disaster, the Red Cross was throwing money at the victims, often asking few questions, and often not demanding extensive ID.  It\u2019s one of the things I like about the Red Cross- if you\u2019ve been displaced, if you have emergency needs, you will get funding, regardless if you are rich or poor, old, young, black, white, mean or kind.  If you are in trouble, they will help.  The Red Cross is the bridge between the immediate effects of a disaster and the agencies that will help you rebuild your life.  But they went too far this time.  The response was so large, the disaster so huge, that the Red Cross went overboard providing assistance.  Folks who did not necessarily meet the criteria- folks who maybe had a little damage and lost the food in their refrigerators, but still had a place to live and resources at their disposal, were still given assistance.  And many people, as I mentioned before, out-and-out lied about their circumstances, claiming damages that never happened, children who weren\u2019t theirs.  One of the fraud cases w<br \/>\ne caught today had taken the Red Cross for over $7000.  Considering we give about $300 per person per household, this scammer was pretty successful.  Thankfully, the FBI is taking over all the fraud cases- I can\u2019t imagine the amount of money and the PR nightmare if the Red Cross had to pursue them.<\/p>\n<p>So now the reins have been tightened.  It\u2019s almost six weeks out, and people have to prove where they live, prove their damage, and prove that the people they claim live with them.  Beyond all that, they have to prove they have emergency needs.  Which is hard to do, six weeks after a disaster.  These are the guidelines of the Red Cross, but no one was following them up until now.  Which means that many of these folks here this week have neighbors with minimal damage who have been assisted.  All of these people expected to walk out of here with debit cards.  And when we turn them down, they are furious, or frustrated, or worried, or deeply depressed.  It\u2019s money they were counting on.  And they take it out on us.<\/p>\n<p>But the thing is, we have numerous other resources for them: housing authorities, Salvation Army, emergency food stamps, FEMA information (although that\u2019s a whole nother mess), food banks, unemployment hotlines.  But these are resources that will help these people help themselves, as opposed to just handing them a debit card to buy whatever they want.  There are stories of the scammers claiming five people, getting $1500 and going to buy a new computer.  These stories are hard to take, particularly when I\u2019ve got a client in front of me who does not qualify for Red Cross assistance but who certainly needs help.<\/p>\n<p>That\u2019s the difference, though.  We are not a social service agency.  We are disaster relief.  The disaster has passed.<\/p>\n<p>BUT- and this is a huge but- so many people needed us but just couldn\u2019t get to us in time.  I had a man in today who had minor damage to his home, but the damage included losing most of his family\u2019s clothes and food.  He was too busy rounding up his loved ones and dealing with making his house livable to even call the Red Cross for three weeks.  When he finally got through to us, he was given an appointment two weeks later.  That appointment was bumped a third week, at which time, he came in, and sat down in front of me.  He had a hard time talking to me- I really had to draw his story out of him- but when he finally started talking, I could see the shame in his eyes.  He did not want to be there, asking for help.  He did not want to be asking for a handout.  The last six weeks since the storm, the bad news in his life had snowballed.  A few days after the storm, he was patching the holes on his roof when he was bit by a brown recluse spider.  His leg swelled to twice the normal size and he couldn\u2019t walk for two weeks (another reason why he hadn\u2019t gotten to us).  He had lost his job because he couldn\u2019t walk- he was in construction- and he\u2019d used his food money for medicine.  He had four kids, but he didn\u2019t try to claim them because they didn\u2019t live with him, but he and his ex-wife had pooled resources to try to feed them after the storm, and between that and his medicine and being out of work, he was now unable to pay his bills.  He\u2019d gone to a food bank for food, as well as applied for emergency food stamps, and the Salvation Army had helped him with clothes.  But now he was basically destitute, living with tarps all over his roof because the deductible was too high to get help from his insurance company.  <\/p>\n<p>After he told his story, he looked down, and said, just once, quietly, \u201cI would not be here if I had any other options.  I am not someone who asks for help.\u201d  He looked back up at me, sweat dripping down from his brown hair, face creased from working in the sun all his life, blue eyes bright with shame.  And yet, he did not qualify for Red Cross support.  He had food, clothing, and reasonable shelter.  <\/p>\n<p>So I went to my supervisor, told his story, and utterly broke down.  I can barely write about it now.  I asked her to talk to him, asked her if we could make an exception.  He was entitled to a measly $360 if he qualified.  She went over, sat down across from him, and I went outside to try to calm down.  He was my first client today, and while I\u2019ve grown accustomed to losing my shit here on almost a daily basis, this did not bode well as I had ten hours to go.<\/p>\n<p>Ten minutes later, I walked back in, and she was still talking to him, so I made the rounds to check up on my team.  Rob was with his own damage assessment team- I had chosen not to go out again- and he was pouring over a map to find all of the houses he had to visit.  Karissa, Vicki, and Arlene were deep in conversation with clients; Leslie had her back to me, typing away on a computer, checking new cases for fraud; and Katy was now \u201cmap girl\u201d- one of the workers who checked client\u2019s zip codes to see if they were in an area of major or minor damage.  Terry, the eighth member of our group, had gone home the day before.  The system here did not work for him; the management, uneven at best, was not something he wanted to deal with, so he went home to volunteer through his church.<\/p>\n<p>When I looked back to my table, my client was gone, and my supervisor was walking away.  I ran to her.  \u201cWhat did he say?  What happened?\u201d  \u201cHe almost had me in tears,\u201d she said in her Mississippi drawl.  \u201cAlmost had me in tears.\u201d  \u201cSo what happened?\u201d I asked again.  \u201cI denied him,\u201d she said, and walked away.<\/p>\n<p>I went back to my table, sat down, wiped the sweat off my face, took a long drink of water and a deep breath, and raised my hand to take my second client of the day.<\/p>\n<p>me, the case worker.  Not pictured: me totally losing it<br \/><a href=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/mobile.me-718914.jpg\"><img decoding=\"async\" style=\"display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;\" src=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/mobile.me-716765.jpg\" border=\"0\" alt=\"\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>Katy, or &#8220;map girl&#8221;, as she came to be known<br \/><a href=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/katy-716988.jpg\"><img decoding=\"async\" style=\"display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;\" src=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/katy-713630.jpg\" border=\"0\" alt=\"\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>Leslie, or &#8220;fraud buster&#8221;<br \/><a href=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/leslie-712607.jpg\"><img decoding=\"async\" style=\"display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;\" src=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/leslie-710977.jpg\" border=\"0\" alt=\"\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>Day Seven<\/p>\n<p>I knew when I came here that I didn\u2019t know what to expect.  But I never could have imagined I\u2019d meet someone like Rob.<\/p>\n<p>The past four years have been riddled with strangeness, with newness, with dead ends and despair and new paths and renewed wanderlust.  The last year and a half, in particular, has been actually zany, weird, in how things have come my way- probably because I begged the universe for change, put all of my thoughts and energy in that direction, and change finally found me.  But to be here, in Alabama, and to meet someone who alters my thinking, who helps me begin to clarify what I want to do with my life, who looks and sees everything almost effortlessly, who seems to know my heart better than most people who have known me for years- this I could never have expected, not even wished for.<\/p>\n<p>Most of what he said to me last night will remain locked in that space in my chest, for me to think about, for me to explore.  Suddenly it makes sense that I don\u2019t sleep, that I\u2019m plagued by nightmares, that I wrap myself up in my job so I don\u2019t have time to stop and think about what I really want in my life.  I\u2019ve been clamoring, digging, scratching, begging, working so damn hard that I can\u2019t see the forest for the tiny bit of bark I\u2019ve been examining, let alone the trees, and I realize now that I need to get quiet- something one of my coaches here in N<br \/>\napa has been telling me all along- so I can figure out what it is that I really, really, truly want to do with my time.  What battles I really want to fight.  I get it now.  Or, at least, I\u2019m willing to think about it and explore it until I get it.<\/p>\n<p>Rob has been gently trying to turn me towards him for days- for whatever reasons, I&#8217;ve been a little scared of getting close to him- and finally, he succeeded, and in return, he has given me this beautiful gift, those hours of conversation when he briefly bared both of our insides.  <\/p>\n<p>Sadly, in one way, and one way only, my experience with him is not unusual.  Like so many others before him, he worked to turn me his way, and as soon as I did, as soon as I began returning his kindnesses, as soon as my craggy, cobwebbed heart started to creak open, he put me at an arm\u2019s length.  This turnaround, so familiar to me, is so disappointing, but it\u2019s also different than it\u2019s ever been, because it\u2019s almost as if we were both thrown together in this experience simply for those hours of conversation last night.  The rest of it, is, perhaps, irrelevant.  And, unlike any man before him, he takes the time to explain himself.  It\u2019s not as if we could have anything outside of this experience- our lives are so different, on entirely different paths, half a country away- but my ability to compartmentalize seems to be rather unique.  He\u2019s wise to make this choice, though- this choice that I\u2019d never make- and in a way I\u2019m thankful to him, because if my heart were allowed to fully open, if any feelings for him were allowed to blossom, I\u2019d just be heartbroken by the loss of him in a week.  I\u2019ve never spent time with a man like him.  Never.  And he confirms that men like him exist- by this I mean his wisdom, kindness, smarts, and gentleness- and so it helps me in my conviction to not choose badly again, to wait, or to just be alone rather than be with the wrong person.<\/p>\n<p>But sometimes I feel like I\u2019d rather not have that space filled at all if it\u2019s just going to be empty again so soon.<\/p>\n<p>When I got back from work tonight, my duffel bag was filled with fire ants.  Fire ants are bad.  They were coating every piece of clothing I brought.  So what did I do?  I left my bag and went out for a beer with my team.  Ah, solutions.<\/p>\n<p>Day Eight<\/p>\n<p>We had the day off today- my first and only day off- and we are driving back from Gulf Port and Biloxi, Mississippi.  I\u2019m not sure I can truly write about what we saw.  I do not want to forget the casino ships that were strewn about on land- massive, MASSIVE ships, hundreds of yards long, football-field-long ships, raised from their moorings, sailing inland, tearing down everything in their paths, settling down on top of trees, restaurants, hotels, homes.  The destruction in places were pervasive and complete.  And entire Vietnamese fishing community was leveled- literally- as if everything below the roofs of the homes was cleared away and the roofs tumbled down flat.  <\/p>\n<p>just in case you were unclear&#8230;<br \/><a href=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/Gulfport-734077.jpg\"><img decoding=\"async\" style=\"display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;\" src=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/Gulfport-733018.jpg\" border=\"0\" alt=\"\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>pics of what used to be a neighborhood close to the water near Biloxi, MS&#8230;<br \/><a href=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/biloxi5-783142.jpg\"><img decoding=\"async\" style=\"display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;\" src=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/biloxi5-781476.jpg\" border=\"0\" alt=\"\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/biloxi-779886.jpg\"><img decoding=\"async\" style=\"display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;\" src=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/biloxi-775198.jpg\" border=\"0\" alt=\"\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/biloxi6-773598.jpg\"><img decoding=\"async\" style=\"display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;\" src=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/biloxi6-771419.jpg\" border=\"0\" alt=\"\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>far from its natural home&#8230;<br \/><a href=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/biloxi.luna-731626.jpg\"><img decoding=\"async\" style=\"display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;\" src=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/biloxi.luna-729539.jpg\" border=\"0\" alt=\"\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>a beach house on tiny Dauphin Island, where a whole community is gone<br \/><a href=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/dauphin7-727487.jpg\"><img decoding=\"async\" style=\"display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;\" src=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/dauphin7-726509.jpg\" border=\"0\" alt=\"\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>Survived all but the last<br \/><a href=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/dauphinnames-725264.jpg\"><img decoding=\"async\" style=\"display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;\" src=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/dauphinnames-723469.jpg\" border=\"0\" alt=\"\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>fishing boats in Bayou la Batre, MS<br \/><a href=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/batreboats4-773294.jpg\"><img decoding=\"async\" style=\"display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;\" src=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/batreboats4-770500.jpg\" border=\"0\" alt=\"\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/batreboats12-768199.jpg\"><img decoding=\"async\" style=\"display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;\" src=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/batreboats12-766550.jpg\" border=\"0\" alt=\"\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>Gulf Port, MS- this is&#8230; was a casino ship<br \/><a href=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/glfport-785882.jpg\"><img decoding=\"async\" style=\"display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;\" src=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/glfport-784758.jpg\" border=\"0\" alt=\"\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>another casion ship- notice the building to the left of the pic&#8230;<br \/><a href=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/glfprtcashotel1-763408.jpg\"><img decoding=\"async\" style=\"display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;\" src=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/glfprtcashotel1-761671.jpg\" border=\"0\" alt=\"\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>&#8230; it was a hotel<br \/><a href=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/glfprtcashotel4-760922.jpg\"><img decoding=\"async\" style=\"display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;\" src=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/glfprtcashotel4-758941.jpg\" border=\"0\" alt=\"\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>the one ship we saw that stayed in the water<br \/><a href=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/glfprtship4-774498.jpg\"><img decoding=\"async\" style=\"display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;\" src=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/glfprtship4-772627.jpg\" border=\"0\" alt=\"\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>I don\u2019t want to forget James M., the seminary student who moved to the 9th ward of New Orleans 15 days before the storm, who lost everything, who a week later had open-heart surgery, who was rejected from his mom\u2019s house back home in Alabama because his stepfather hates him, who was, until today, living and convalescing in a warehouse.  He was my client yesterday, and he\u2019s the one I\u2019ll take with me when I go, that made this whole trip worthwhile.  I got him assistance, got him a place to live, hooked him up with a local church, hopefully at least giving him a chance to start rebuilding his life.<\/p>\n<p>Also profound was my choice not to be a leader here.  It\u2019s almost as if it was the beginning of me settling down inside, to really see the situation before I bulldozed ahead.<\/p>\n<p>I wonder what is going to be next, back in life.<\/p>\n<p>We\u2019re done in Mobile after today.  Back to Montgomery, not sure where to go from here.  Rob says I\u2019m running out of cute.   He\u2019s calling me o<br \/>\nut on relying on the cute rather than relying on my true capabilities.  He says that every time I use the cute, I\u2019m denying my development as a person.  He also said that here, we are not doing good, good is being done to us.  Why, where does he get all this information?  How does he see like he does?  I\u2019m baffled.<\/p>\n<p>Day Nine<\/p>\n<p>We are on the way from Mobile back to Montgomery.  I\u2019m, as always, sitting in the front of the van, next to the dad of the family (the team refers to Rob and me as the parents) with everyone else in the back.  We have no idea what is next- we are to report to Montgomery to be reassigned\u2026 or to do nothing\u2026 or to go home.  <\/p>\n<p>The only hours I\u2019m alone are when I\u2019m asleep.  Its strange, but also, good.  And now I know I\u2019m going to be okay when it\u2019s time to go home.  I don\u2019t know when I turned that corner.  But I did, and I am thankful.  The last two days have been stunningly beautiful here.  The summer heat has finally broken, the sun is out, there is a breeze, it\u2019s still hot, but its\u2026 it\u2019s been perfect and crystal clear for us to see all the immense damage and destruction.  I will leave here changed.  I\u2019m wearing the socks I wore on the Northeast AIDSRide.  Thankfully, I\u2019ve had no real health issues- my knees have been kind to me- since I got here, other than a powerful tummy ache right now.  I am able-bodied when I need to be, and I\u2019m thankful for that.<\/p>\n<p>I regret that during 9\/11, I didn\u2019t stick closer to my friend Hayley.  She needed me, and I let her down.  But even then, I knew I could do this alone.  I knew that that was the beginning of what I\u2019d do for the rest of my life, and that I didn\u2019t need anyone to do it with me.  <\/p>\n<p>Day Ten <br \/>Still in Montgomery<\/p>\n<p>Sitting in line waiting for a computer.  Here in Montgomery, where everyone from all the closed centers has flooded to try to find a job.  Leslie and Katy are going home tomorrow.  I\u2019ve got two days left but if feels as though it\u2019s already ended.  Rob just kissed the top of my head.<\/p>\n<p>I still haven\u2019t found that place, that place my sister-in-law Tessa spoke of so many years ago, that place where she and Ian come to visit me and I\u2019ve found the life I was looking for.  But each adventure takes me a little closer.  I am so grateful for everyone here, so thankful for Rob and Karissa and Katy and Leslie and Vicki and Arlene, hilarious Arlene, so excited to see Katy and Leslie in California, and everyone else when next we meet.  I\u2019m so curious about the next step.  I do not love where I live now, I do not feel I&#8217;m doing what I should be doing.  I appreciate all that I am learning and I know now that all of it is just the next step.  I appreciate the love I see in everyone when they look at me.  I appreciate being able to sleep, and the moments of peace.<\/p>\n<p>Day Twelve<\/p>\n<p>Last Day<br \/>Montgomery Airport<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019ve been gone two incredible weeks.  I have so many feelings and so many things I want to remember that I hardly know where to begin.  My flight has been delayed twice.  I want to wear boots to work.  Well, no, that\u2019s just the details- I want a job that feels like this every day.  I want to be surrounded by common vision.  I want to leave this life and find the one more extraordinary.  I don\u2019t 100% know what it is, but it is out there.  I know it is.  A life that will fill me.  If I could have that- if I could have the \u201cjob\u201d that made me feel like this every day, I\u2019d give up the chase for the rest of it.  It is more important to me to do this work every day than it is to have anything else, including companionship.  And nothing, exactly nothing ever happens to me if I\u2019m looking for it.  I never, ever expected to feel like this at the end of this trip.  <\/p>\n<p>People will say what they will about the Red Cross.  I am still a fan, still in love with the organization, even though this whole response was its own disaster, in a way.  What I think is far more worthy of our scorn and anger is how the poor are treated in this country.  How this country is designed to make sure that poor not only stay poor, but get more and more screwed as the generations go on.  I cannot believe how so many of these people lived, even before the storm.  I cannot believe how, in this wealthiest country in the world, most people live in constant fear of hunger, or displacement, or unemployment, or not having enough money to take their sick kids to the doctor.  So many people down here- the vast majority of the clients I worked with- clearly had never seen a dentist.  A dentist?  Who has time or money to see a dentist?<\/p>\n<p>How did this happen?  Why does it continue?  Why are our social service agencies such utter fucking messes?  Why do we allow the foster system to continue as is?  Why are we determined to hand out diseased fish as opposed to teaching anyone how to fish?  How did all of this go so terribly wrong, and why does this country insist on throwing more and more good money after bad as opposed to actually changing anything?  What is so racy, so unthinkable about change?<\/p>\n<p>These last few days we\u2019ve been on the phone banks in Montgomery, doing follow-up work on cases that had not yet been closed.  <\/p>\n<p>Arlene and the phones<br \/><a href=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/arlenephones-739225.jpg\"><img decoding=\"async\" style=\"display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;\" src=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/arlenephones-737557.jpg\" border=\"0\" alt=\"\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>Basically, somehow, the paperwork on thousands upon thousands of cases were not properly filled out, and folks who might have needed assistance were still out there waiting to hear from us.  However, since it\u2019s now six weeks out, most of those folks who needed us then no longer had emergency needs, so we were still denying folks left and right.  Except, for some ungodly reason, we were not allowed to deny them on the phone.  No matter that most of us came from Mobile where we were denying furious people to their faces\u2026 but the rules had changed, again, and so instead we had to tell them we\u2019d \u201cbe in touch\u201d.  <\/p>\n<p>I had one case of a family who no longer had emergency needs, but who clearly needed assistance of many kinds.  The mom I talked to had been approved on the spot by the case worker she saw in Pensacola, Florida, and then was also visited by a damage assessment team, who approved her for assistance as well.  But for some reason, she\u2019d not received the check that was supposed to be in the mail over a month ago.  And somehow her case found its way to me.  After talking with her for about fifteen minutes about her damage, about her life, and about her needs, I gave her the line that we\u2019d \u201cbe in touch\u201d.  She said, \u201cWait- are you saying that I might no longer qualify?  I was told this money was on the way!\u201d  She was becoming frantic.  She had been approved for $1500 and she\u2019d spent her fixed income on medicines and paying bills and for a tarp to cover the holes in her roof, and was relying on that money for food and to go to the doctor again.  <\/p>\n<p>I told her I just didn\u2019t know, which wasn\u2019t the truth- she no longer qualified for Red Cross assistance.  And eventually I got off the phone with her, having given her all the other resources and as many apologies as I could muster.  But I couldn\u2019t let it lie.  I went to my supervisor, who sent me to her supervisor, who sent me to the admin liason for all the case workers, who sent me to the top dog in the CLS department in the center.  And I said the same thing to her: \u201cI realize this woman, under regular Red Cross guidelines, probably wasn\u2019t eligible for our assistance in the first place.  But her case worker told her she was, and then the damage assessment team told her she was, and then she spent her fixed income on other things because she thought this money was on the way.  Do you realize we are endangering her family by not sending her this assistance?  By promising her m<br \/>\noney that she\u2019s never going to see?\u201d  And the top dog gave me a big smile, told me she knew the Red Cross was asking me to do a very difficult job, and how much they appreciated me, how important I was, and thanks so much!  And then a big hug!  And I was shuffled on my way, having gotten no answers.<\/p>\n<p>It may be hard to believe, but I still love this organization.  They do so much good, but their foolishness and lack of organization creates bad that makes the good hard to see.  It\u2019s romantic and lovely and whatever that it\u2019s a 99.9% volunteer organization, but if 5% of that population were actually trained, paid staff, that really knew what they were doing, we\u2019d save millions of dollars and millions of volunteer hours and it would be 100% more efficient.  <\/p>\n<p>The point is, I\u2019m still a \u201cRed Crosser\u201d.  I\u2019m still dedicated to this work, and this organization.  But I\u2019m not going away without answers ever again.  Should I have been that woman in charge?  Nope.  I should be her boss.<\/p>\n<p>me and Karissa, also known as &#8220;lil&#8217; bit&#8221;<br \/><a href=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/me,k,bags-736648.jpg\"><img decoding=\"async\" style=\"display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;\" src=\"http:\/\/www.mlwms.com\/blog\/uploaded_images\/me,k,bags-735608.jpg\" border=\"0\" alt=\"\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p>Epilogue<\/p>\n<p>It is very strange to be home.<\/p>\n<p>After a harrowing drive home last night, slapping myself to stay awake, I pulled in to my driveway and saw the wink of flowers in my headlamps.  I grabbed my two bags and lumbered my way inside and looked around the home I\u2019ve lived in for a year and a half.  My mother had left me irises and soup.<\/p>\n<p>I dropped everything, stripped my clothes off and fell into bed and immediately began dreaming of the people I\u2019d just left.  Not the victims, but the fellow workers.  I went over conversations in my mind, thinking about what had been said and what had been done and slept uneasily.  At 6:15, I was suddenly wide awake, having slept seven hours- far more than I\u2019m used to at this point- and looked to the window for dawn, but it was still pitch black.  And I realized that two time zones away, my friends were already at work.  I wondered if I\u2019d be able to sleep more, or if I should give up and make a pot of coffee and wander around my dark house.  And the conversations started again, the late-night banter, the early-morning bleary smiles, and then I woke to bright sunlight, over three hours later.<\/p>\n<p>Today I\u2019ve been silent, unable to bear more than the briefest of phone calls from both my parents.  I\u2019ve laundered everything I brought and more, put my bags away, organized all of the receipts and what will now be keepsakes of this journey and hidden them away.  My house looks like it always has.  <\/p>\n<p>I feel an emptiness so deep I don\u2019t know how to describe it, and yet, it\u2019s not debilitating, it\u2019s not even really sad or hard.  It just feels empty to return to this life after finding a very different one these last two weeks.  I could call all my friends, go find some family, surround myself with the people here, but right now I\u2019m not ready to let go of the people back there, hurricane victims and Red Cross workers alike.  That is the company I would choose, if I could, so instead, I\u2019m here, quiet.<\/p>\n<p>I\u2019m not remotely ready to return to my work here.  I\u2019m not remotely ready to even think of what lies immediately ahead.  But I am ready to think about the big \u201cnext\u201d.<\/p>\n<p>The violence of the storm is what silences me now.  I just went through and named my photographs, and I still cannot wrap my head around what it must have been like during those awful hours of fury.  I cannot imagine the force it would take to blow through homes, trees, ships, cement, metal, as if all of it were paper.  I still can\u2019t imagine it, and I\u2019ve seen it.  It was worse than I thought it would be.<\/p>\n<p>As I get older, things don\u2019t necessarily get easier, but they make a little more sense, and so things aren\u2019t quite as hard.  The separation I\u2019m feeling would have torn my heart to shreds five or six years ago.  But my heart was torn to shreds while I was there, seeing how so many people lived even before the storm, and then seeing how even the smallest bit of damage, the smallest loss could topple a family already in trouble into despair.  <\/p>\n<p>Looking back over this journal, there are so many things I didn\u2019t write down, so much that happened that I can\u2019t describe.  Mostly about what it felt like to wake up every morning into that world, and with my beautiful, wonderful team.  But I know I\u2019ll find it again, now that I know what I\u2019m looking for.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Day One Interesting to me that I haven\u2019t been writing in my journal or blogging. I don\u2019t know if I\u2019ve had such a tired month, ever in my life. Every minute of every day, practically, I\u2019ve been exhausted. It\u2019s been 26 days since I first decided to go back to the Red Cross, and here [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-125","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlwms.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/125","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlwms.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlwms.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlwms.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlwms.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=125"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/mlwms.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/125\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlwms.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=125"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlwms.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=125"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlwms.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=125"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}