My mom always says that depression is not deeper sadness, per say, but that it is feeling as though one doesn\u2019t have any options. I know she\u2019s right, and nineteen times out of twenty, when I\u2019m feeling bad, I can isolate my unhappy feelings and realize that what I\u2019m actually feeling is trapped, bored, lazy, useless- i.e., that I\u2019m not seeing the gazillion options in my daily life. But today, and yesterday, and some of the days before, I\u2019ve been battling a grey cloud and I can\u2019t seem to get through it. I know it\u2019s ridiculous, in a way. I know that there are people in my extended family, and all over the world, who have it much, much, much, much worse. Vastly worse. But I can\u2019t fight my way out of this one.<\/p>\n
I am sad that my baker is far away and that there are things pulling us apart emotionally as well. I can\u2019t get away from this feeling, even though I know that had he stayed, there would have been far more destructive issues between us than the ones hurting us today. I am sad, deeply sad sometimes, that I\u2019m not working as an actor right now, and haven\u2019t been for a long time. I am sad that I\u2019m not working in relief in any capacity. I am sad for silly things, like\u2026 well, I never built the community in New York that I wanted. I\u2019m sad that yet another man who screwed things up when he had the chance to work on a relationship with me is now courting me with excessive persistence (even an offer to fly me to NY for the weekend). I\u2019m sad for him because that window of opportunity is shut, with rusty nails bent into the wood. I\u2019m sad for me because a year ago his attentions would have made me so happy.<\/p>\n
It\u2019s been a hard sadness to shake, even though I got to see so many friends and family this weekend. Even though I gave my notice at my job, even though I\u2019m about to start something really extraordinary. I know that all of these great things are happening to me, but I\u2019m having a hard time relishing in them, being present, appreciating everything coming my way. I honestly don\u2019t know if I\u2019m doing the right things or going in the right direction. I mean, what is \u201cright\u201d for me?<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
My mom always says that depression is not deeper sadness, per say, but that it is feeling as though one doesn\u2019t have any options. I know she\u2019s right, and nineteen times out of twenty, when I\u2019m feeling bad, I can isolate my unhappy feelings and realize that what I\u2019m actually feeling is trapped, bored, lazy, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-227","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlwms.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/227","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlwms.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlwms.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlwms.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlwms.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=227"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/mlwms.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/227\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/mlwms.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=227"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlwms.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=227"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/mlwms.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=227"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}