Posted March 17th, 2003 by Michelle

On the train tonight, coming home from work, a man was sitting across from me wearing infuriating pants. They had a design running down each leg, and I honestly did a double take when I realized what it was. You know that awful cut-out of a woman that haunts mud flaps on Mac trucks? Well, it was her, but in a double mirror image, so you got not just one unrealistic skinny-but-huge-hooter body but two, connected, for your watching pleasure. And this on an enourmous, chubby guy who sighed audibly when a sweet young black woman asked for one of the two seats filled with his shopping bags. Whe he finally moved the bags, he started pulling out the contents. What was in the bags? Chocolate bars. Several of them.

I wrote a blog a few days ago that was eaten by my web browser when it froze. I kick myself every time I don’t save them before I post, but I can’t seem to save them consistently. I’m not sad it’s gone, though; the whole blog was about the different kinds of wine I had drunk the night before and that stuff is only interesting if you are a wine geek. However, I had my first bar shift Sunday morning and it went really well. Too well. So well that the GM who was managing the shift sent an email to all of the other managers telling them how well I did. My mom asked me last night how it went and it was depressing to tell her. I want to be a great many things, but being a great server is not in my top five. But- it was fun, and a change, and the money was terrific. My sister-in-law-to-be Tessa stopped in for some oysters and garlic chips and I realized how easily my friends can now visit me at work. I’m hoping that more of my family shows in the coming weeks.

My brother Ian is on the front page of Salon.com. Pretty freaking amazing, and such a terrific piece. But more on my mind is the threat of war, and the threat of retalliation. I can’t stop thinking that somewhere in Iraq, a woman my age with several small children is learning that Americans will most likely start dropping bombs on her in less than two days. And whoever that woman is, she is thinking that I am aligned with my administration, that I support it, that I am the true evil. I am not proud to be an American right now. I feel lucky and blessed to live where I do, and baffled and terrified by Bush and all who cater to him. For the first time in my life, I am seriously thinking about choosing a different country as my home. I feel like there is little hope as long as Bush is in office, and the work it will take to undo his damage is almost insurmountable. He was not elected by the American people, and he is not listening to them (or anyone else) and I am sickened as the shock waves of his awful choices resonate around the world. In short, I do not know what to do.

I know a few things. It seems like a good couple of weeks to avoid the trains. I’ll be biking to work as much as I can. It’s also a good time to avoid that glass of wine after my shift- I want to be completely sober if something happens and I need to help somebody. And perhaps the perfect time to get a really good first aid kit and some maps to keep in my backpack. This is all precautionary, but these steps can be a hell of a lot more helpful than duct tape on windows, three days of rations, and an orange-hued brand of fear. I said to a friend tonight that I was not so much scared as ready. I feel like we are takings steps, making choices that invite and encourage another attack on my city.

I am awake, aware, and prepared. And perhaps the answer for me will be a summer in Iraq, to prove that some proud Americans aren’t interested only in oil- that maybe some of us care more about cleaning up the mess we’ve made. Right now all I really want to do is stick my head back in the sand. But I think that twenty-eight years of living with my eyes sealed shut is long enough.