Posted August 18th, 2003 by Michelle

Sometimes when I’m on my bike, riding in the city, I can’t breathe. I stand up, clipped into my pedals, and I start to run, leaning forward, but I’m running with my bike. I’m pulling and pulling and pushing and pushing the pedals and sometimes I have to stop because I feel that I’ll come unclipped and leave my bike and fly straight up into the sky, my gloved hands stretched out like Superman. Instead, I sit back into my saddle, and try to catch up with my speed. There is a corny new-agey adage that says you should do something scary every day; I take care of that simply by being on my bike in this city. But, God, I love it. I love it.

When I’m on my bike, I’m strong, graceful, and stubborn. I stand up for myself, I admonish cars and pedestrians and other cyclists when they are being unsafe. I am larger than myself, I am hyper-alert, I’m a Goddess with wheels, I fly. In traffic, I pass the cars, my heart pumping, as they idle in freon and exhaust. I am more of me when I’m on my bike.

And then I’m off my bike, no longer a Goddess, but a lowly human who spends two hours cleaning her apartment. There is something very Zen and calming about cleaning, but I also did it in order to procrastinate. I can’t seem to get excited about my French homework.

Another form of procrastination was to wander on my brother Steve’s website to look at all of his pictures of the wedding. Probably not the best idea right now, but the thing that struck me most was the undeniable, effusive beauty of Tessa, my brother’s new bride. Looking at pictures of the two of them, and seeing all the other people in the backround smiling as they watched the newlyweds, reminded me of what it was like to be there. So much joy, happiness and love. I’m still sad it’s over. I’m hoping Ian and Tess will have yet another gathering over Labor Day weekend, or at least in the near future, though they may be gatheringed-out.

Yeesh. Blogging is procrastination as well. It’s just hard to get excited about something specific when you don’t know even in general terms what you are going to do. With your life, I mean. Ah well. I best make some tea and get on with it.