Posted August 12th, 2003 by Michelle

We get only so many chances in life, only so many paths to take towards goodness or kindness or happiness. These chances, I feel, are so rare, so few and far between, that when they come upon us we must really look them in the eye, dive into the center of them, crawl to the side of the map Where There Be Dragons.

This weekend I took a chance I didn’t even know I was taking. I bit an apple that meant only so much to me on the first bite, but by the time I was only halfway to the core it was terrifying in value. I foolishly kept eating, foolish only because the outcome was uncertain. I began by caring only as I’ve cared for things in the past, but by the end, I was lost. I took this chance, and for the first time in ten years ran blindly towards what I thought should be mine.

I chose poorly. Well, that’s not true, I chose brilliantly, but in the end, it seems I’ve lost. There is a person out there, out there in the world, who knocked me off the earth so completely that I was willing to throw everyone and everything else to the wind, and I did. But I’ve lost the chance to even fight for this person, and believe you me, given the chance I’d fight like hell. I would fight for this harder than I’ve ever fought for anything, but right now my fists only punch the wind. I feel as though everyone else has had their chance, and the chance to do it right is now mine. But I don’t get to choose.

I know that sometimes doing the right thing has to prevail over, as they say, following one’s bliss, but I’m having a really hard time right now figuring out what is “right”. If this chance ever comes to me again, I swear to the gods that I will never forget how lucky I was to find myself at that path again. I’m terrified, and quite certain, that I won’t be so lucky, and I sure as hell don’t dare to hope. It’s terrible, it sucks, it’s just no good at all. And I’m helpless.

Any of you die-hard Star Trek TNG fans? There was an episode about this female human form that they kept hidden away during the first part of the flight because they were afraid she would disrupt the ship. She was some form of Empath, as she could make any kind of man in the world suddenly believe that she was the right woman for him. She growled at the Klingons, sneered with the Romulans, and finally found herself spending a great deal of time with Captain Picard. She was a wedding present to some other crazy race, and Picard was teaching her the ceremony. Around Picard she quoted Shakespeare, played the flute, talked poetry. The fear of having her on the ship, outside of all the mens’ hormones, was that she would accidentally bond with someone before the day of her wedding. And that’s exactly what happened- she became forever the woman she was around Picard. She confessed this to him as he walked her down the aisle to her new groom, and then also told him she would be able to, and would have to, fake it for the rest of her life with her husband. She would always be bonded to Picard.

So admittedly I’m a dork. But I feel as though this has happened to me. I found the one I want, which leaves me to either continue alone or eventually pretend that someone else will fit the bill.

This sucks. This is not okay. I told him it was, and I lied. It’s not okay, it’s terrible, and I don’t even get to tell him.