Posted August 16th, 2003 by Michelle

A quiet, lovely day home alone, cleaning house both literally and metaphorically. Thankful for the blessings of air conditioning and family. Went back to bed two or three times after getting up. Trying to make peace. It’s foolish of me to make arbitrary decisions, like the ones of yesterday, and also foolish to try not to feel something. We do not have control over our feelings- all we can do is control how we deal with them. So I’m going to go on with love for the man I can’t be with, and start to return to my full, rich life. No decisions, no hopes, just life. And see where it takes me.

I have to go back to work tonight. I’ve worked one shift since last Monday, since the 4th of August. I always thought that if I didn’t work full time, I’d have too much time on my hands, but it’s not true. I’ve done more writing in the last week than I’ve done in the last three months. I can’t even think about what it would be like if I didn’t have to work at a subsistence job, if I could spend my time writing, studying wine, singing… ugh. What a life that would be. Alas.

Off to work. Hope to keep my cool while I’m there.