Posted August 10th, 2003 by Michelle

I write because I have to right now, even though my body cries for sleep and rest and a reprive from alcoholism. I write because it has been such an amazing week, and I am so sad it is over. It was definitely fraught with hard work and confusion and hangovers and mess, but it was also beautiful, sweet, and perfect.

Ian got married yesterday eve. It is a story too hard to tell, but yesterday and the three days before, for the first time in years, I was exactly where I wanted to be, spending time with exactly whom I wanted to spend time with. I carried no keys, nor wallet or phone, ignored my watch, and surrounded myself with a soup of loved ones. Some I love now more than I ever thought I would, more than I thought I was capable, and those of you who get that love better be ready because you are now part of my life and I’m going to make sure you stay there. I am a determined woman, and I will do whatever is in my power to make sure that such goodness, light, craziness, gorgeousness, power, and love, only grows in my life. I am stunned by this week, stunned by the company of my mom and my brothers all in the same house, amazed at the reverence that Ian and Tessa create that brings so many people so far to work so hard to make sure their day is perfect.

The first night was just Sean, Jordi, Ian, Kent, Sean Patrick and my mom, but late in the evening, Scott, Annie and Chip showed up. This comparitavely small party played board games late into the night, and it was the beginning of bliss.

The rehearsal dinner that my Dad and Carole threw the next night was so spectacular that I can barely recall being happier. So many people got to their feet to declare their love for my brother and new sister. So many friends had so much to say.

Friday was the picnic at the swimming hole, the barbeque and softball game at night (where, as I’ve reminded everyone in the passing days, I not only scored a run even though I was pegged in the leg by a ball, I also was part of a double-play). Again, unimaginable fun, made even richer by a late-night trip to Great Barrington to feed the vegetarians in the car.

Saturday, the day of the wedding, was somehow the most lovely and sad. Jordi and I got ready together, which was terrific since neither of us clean up very often. I had the honor of being in charge of Chopin the dog, who was also the ring-bearer. We processed up the hill, where under a sweet, light rain, Ian and Tessa vowed to do the best they could for the rest of their lives. There were cocktails on the lawn, and then the reception in the barn, and I danced about three years off (or maybe added on to) my life. But a celebration of love, particularly on of this character and grace, definitely makes you re-examine your own life, your own love, and reminds you… or in my case, suddenly dawns on you, what it is you want.

I know what I want now. Everything else is falling into place. I’m no longer worried about not being cleared for the Peace Corps, or if my job is what I should be doing, or if I’m doing the right things in my life. Some things have become clear. What I need to do is take care of me, take care of my heart, and hope, hope, hope that in the end, I’ll get what I wish for. I’ve wished for a lot of things in my life that I didn’t really want. This is the exception. I’m calling on all the powers of the universe to help me, to grant this wish, to at the very least let me believe for a fraction of a second that this kind of happiness is possible. Let me actually believe that I can love, and be loved. It’s all I ask.