Posted September 2nd, 2003 by Michelle

Tonight alternated from tolerable to really really freaking sucky, and I am exhausted from simply trying to hold it together.

A good friend at work was accused of stealing by a new manager. This manager accused him before asking him, and without realizing that his was an incredibly common mistake (putting a bottle of wine meant for table 41 on table 42’s check. The table numbers were changed recently and all of us are screwing it up). I brought this up when I gave my notice because it really upset me. Well the manager I told went to the GM and to the accusing manager, but all of this happend Sunday night after I left. Accusing manager then made life hell for my friend all during that shift. I get back Tuesday afternoon, but all my friend tells me is he wished I had come to him rather than to management, that it has strained relations, etc., etc. I apologize, tell him it really upset me and that we had talked about my bringing it up the other night… the other night being midnight after drinking since 7. I feel bad, tell him so, get over it.

Well then my other good friend brings it up again as we are doing sidework. She tells me that I ruined his night, he was miserable, she felt terrible for him, i.e. I am a terrible person who thinks only of myself, blah blah blah. Finally, I tell her that I doubt she felt more terrible for him than I did, and ran up to the linen closet so I wouldn’t bawl on the floor.

I have two things to say about this: 1) I am human. I am fallable. I screw up, I live with my foot in my mouth. I am WELL aware of the times I act poorly, and really don’t need to be reminded or berated for actually having faults. 2) I am tired of it. I’m tired of screwing up, tired of being broke, tired of needing fixing, tired of being out of control, tired of feeling bad, tired tired tired. Two more things to say: 3) I’m doing the best I fucking can. I’m changing my life, for better or worse, and I’m going to make the best choices possible in every moment. And 4) Some people are exhausting as friends. The friend who brought up my horrible, terrible deed tonight is someone that it seems I can’t live up to. I’d rather let her go then try to be someone I’m not, i.e. an infallable machine. Christ.

I’ve picked up a shift or two over the next couple of weeks, and have two nights of training for my new job as well. I’m trying, god, I’m trying to be gentle with myself and only figure out the next minute rather than even the next week. It’s overwhelming, my life is overwhelming right now, and I’ve simply got to stop beating myself up.