Posted June 11th, 2004 by Michelle

I’m at work, but the computer program I need to get anything done is on the fritz. What better time than now to catch up on blogging…

It’s been a roller coaster week, which seems to be par for the course. My boss was awful enough to me to warrant my writing a scathing letter to the HR department, which I wisely didn’t send. Instead, I slept on it (not the letter itself, but the anger) and then sat her down the next day and detailed all of her abuses and told her it wasn’t okay. She apologized egregiously, agreed that her treatment of me was unwarranted, and then also agreed with me when I told her I wasn’t the perfect person for this job. I’m hoping that is a good warm-up for the news I hope to deliver to her early next week.

And that’s the other thing. This new opportunity, that I thought was lost to me because of money, is actually alive and kicking harder than ever. There isn’t a ton of money to be made immediately, but there is a ton of opportunity and challenge and good hard work that could turn into a fantastic financial situation. It could be a risk, but it is a risk I’m now prepared to take. There is one more major hurtle, and if we fly over this one, I’ll be giving my notice here next week and jumping into something completely different come July. I feel great about it, so excited, and I really hope it happens. I know whole-heartedly that it will happen as it should; right now I’m just sitting back and watching the show.

My baker is alive and well in the woods of Montana, even though a silence of less than 48 hours caused me to doubt him completely. Which is telling about me, not about him. I was prepared to feel full-scale abandoned. I was talking to my mom and I said, “He hasn’t called” and she said, “He will, of course he will. He won’t just not call you ever again,” to which I replied, “Uh, mom, it’s happened before.” I was thinking yesterday about the capability we humans have of abandoning the people we love. I know I’ve done it. I’ve moved from places and never looked back, even when former friends or lovers reached out to me. It is actual work to stay in touch with some of my friends back in New York. It’s not true of everyone- there is a fair number of people whose contact is welcome and easy- but there are those that I see on my caller I.D. and I turn off the ringer and figure I’ll get back to them eventually. Staying in contact with people is hard. Loving people not right in front of you is hard. It is so damn easy to pack the car and leave without saying goodbye.

I’m trying to be better about all of this, trying to stay in contact with all the people I love. It’s certainly becoming easier as I get older and realize how few people mean the world to me. I’m hanging on tighter than I used to. Maybe it’s why I called my baker and left him a ridiculous message about us and staying in touch and generally freaking out a little bit. Or, gosh, maybe it’s because the last man I loved truly stopped calling me quite suddenly, and that was essentially how he ended the relationship. And that all other inklings of hope of love that I’ve had in the last several years fizzled out before they ever had a chance to blossom. But, y’know, whatever. I’m doing the best I can. And I certainly can’t expect the people who love me to stay in touch if I am crummy at it as well.

Right now, though, I feel great about all of this. I feel as though this job could be the start of something big, and that my friendship with my baker has strengthened me immeasurably. It is fascinating to be in a situation that causes me to look at myself as if I was outside of myself, and to take stock of what I see. It seems to be the only way to create change and healing. It also makes me horribly embarrassed sometimes, to see myself from the outside. Embarrassed and ashamed and humbled. But again, I guess I’m just doing the best I can.