Posted June 4th, 2004 by Michelle

In a stunning twist of fate, the new opportunity was thrilling, engaging, and excellent, and also, ultimately, incredibly short on funds. I’ve not yet given up complete hope, and have another meeting on Monday, but the money I was offered was so far from the mark that I hardly was able to keep my composure. And now I realize that one of the only reasons I’ve been able to handle the job I have now was the prospect of leaving as soon as this bigger, better thing finally worked itself out. I’m suddenly now thrown back into the sea of possibility (and that’s looking at it positively) of what else I might do with my time here. I do not want to stay at my present job for very long- where I am belittled, and ordered around, and talked down to. Oh yeah, and where I don’t make enough money to live. I feel abandoned a little bit, by both my man and this possibility, and it makes for a crummy day.

I know I need to move on from both, even as I still work through both, but it’s hard when you feel like… well. I feel like I deserve some good stuff to happen to me. Let me rephrase that. I feel as though I’ve put in a hell of a lot of work and I would like to see some results, on sort of a grander scale. I am so willing to work so hard and sometimes it feels as though I’m just wading through sticky mud.

In fact, sometimes I just don’t know what more I can do. I don’t know if I can try any harder, or work any harder, or wish any harder, or believe any more deeply.