running away

Posted March 29th, 2005 by Michelle

Today at work at about 1:30 in the afternoon I realized there was something terribly wrong with me. I was utterly exhausted, yawning every few minutes, and making stupid mistakes like meaning to forward an email but replying to it instead, with what might be considered an inappropriate reply. For instance, a very sweet girl emailed me today from one of the high schools. Apparently she is “Miss” something or other in this valley, as in, a pageant winner, and she has decided that her platform is “A Little Art is Not Enough”. I mean, I’m giggling about it right now. I sent it to my program manager, and we went into fits of giggles impersonating this sweet girl. “Um, hi, so I think that a little art isn’t enough, in fact, maybe lots of art isn’t enough, and, plus, World Peace.” But unfortunately, I sent my first response, intended for my program manager, right back to this very sweet and sincere girl-almost-woman who really wants to help out in our arts ed program. When you work at a struggling non-profit, you really need the chance to laugh whenever possible, so while we will work with this enterprising young woman, we will still giggle at her platform’s expense.

Anyway, when I started making mistakes like that, I realized something was really wrong, and I couldn’t stop pushing my keyboard out of the way and laying my head down on my desk. On Easter, I had a long talk with Tessa about running. I was like, “Why does this hurt so much?” and she basically said, “Quit being a fool!” although she said it much more gently and with terrific advice. Turns out beginning runners should run twice, three times a week at best, and I’ve been doing six times a week plus working out. Uber, uber stupid. The last time I put my head on my desk, I lifted it and checked out runnersworld.com and looked up all the tips for beginning runners. Dear Tess was quite right. I had skipped my morning run yesterday, but went on it today, thinking that one day might vastly improve my performance, but of course, instead of running I went to the gym. Basically, today, my body decided it had had ENOUGH ALREADY, and it shut down. At 2 PM I turned off my computer, came home, went to bed, and woke up at 6, still exhausted, but with a little more clarity. Tomorrow, I shall do nothing active, and perhaps- maybe- go for a walk on Thursday. It’s difficult when the only way to keep self-loathing at bay is to get out and run away from it.

I’ll admit in a sad sort of way that when I am out on the road at 6:45 PM, or on the treadmill, or doing my third set of reps, what inspires me is that I will be able to serve everyone in Africa so much better if I’m strong. I think about Peace Corps, and/or New York, every single day. I don’t know how soon I’ll finally be able to do either, and when I finally do Peace Corps, I don’t know if I’ll end up in Africa. But the idea of being strong, and being able to run if I have to, truly motivates me to keep on going. That dream, that passion is no less strong than it was two years ago when I stayed up ’til four AM completing my application. Indeed, I feel like the skills I’m learning right now will only make me a stronger Peace Corps candidate, and a stronger candidate still when I return for whatever I choose to do next. I don’t know when any of this will happen, but I guarantee it will.

But, for now, I’m going to go back to bed.