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Posted May 25th, 2005 by Michelle

It’s strange to be back in New York, not having been here in five months, which is the longest I’ve been away since moving here in August of 2000. Stranger still to be here on exactly no sleep and to come straight to Sean and Jordi’s new home, which is expansive and wonderful and homey, even if it doesn’t yet feel that way to them. There are, indeed, many boxes, and exposed beams and spots needing paint and trim, but it’s really quite extraordinary- and that’s without me having seen the outside yet (it’s raining like crazy here, and cold, and who needs to go outside anyway).

I think the only way I could come back and have the kind of trip I wanted would be to be here for a solid month. Or, you know, move back, but I’m not ready to do that just yet. There are so many people I want to see, but at the heart of it all is my family, who I simply want to see more. Adding Lucy to the mix makes the draw, the homing beacon, all the stronger. I’m sort of stunned that I still haven’t met her, and I kind of can’t believe I have to wait a whole nother day and a half to do so. But soon, my sweet.

I have a picture of Lucy on the desktop of my computer, the one where she is postively guffawing, and as I was shutting down the movie I was watching as the plane started to descend, the very sweet older couple next to me said, “Oh, is that your daughter?” And I said, no, it was my brother’s, and that I was coming to meet her for the first time.

I guess it’s obvious why, but I’ve been thinking about having kids a lot lately, and as much as I want my brothers to all squeeze out sweet little chickens for me to covet and love, I’m sort of awed by the prospect of doing it myself. I mean, the fact that I would truly be doing it *by myself* right now is awesome enough, but then I think about the fact that having a baby is not just having a baby, but making a life-long committment to love and support another human being that will be largely helpless for the first several years of its life and it makes me reel with the weight of responsibility. Maybe it would be different if I could conceive of having a partner in that responsibility, but even then… I mean, there really is no question- I want to have kids, and glacially speaking I want to have them soon. But the idea of it also absolutely stops me in my tracks. And scares me like hell.

So, instead, for now, I hope to meet and love Lucy, and Jackson and Lyra and all the other lovely beings that have just joined us here. For now, I’ll love other people’s babies… and wonder and think and prepare and dream of my own.