Not Bad

Posted August 13th, 2005 by Michelle

For the first time in many years, I’ve started keeping a hand-written journal. For so long, I rallied against this in my own head, largely because my handwriting is so bad, so unequivocally terrible, and most of the time I can’t even read it- and I can’t bear how long it takes versus my very speedy typing. But one of my coaches suggested I try it anyway, in hopes, perhaps, that I might take the time to think a little more slowly. I’m enjoying it, but clearly, it’s keeping me from cyber-space. But maybe that’s okay, too. I’ve used this blog for many things, but it’s largely been an outlet for pain, and I’m not sure that it’s been very helpful in that capacity. I don’t know why I write this blog, other than exercising my writing muscle. Clearly there are many reasons, including the fact that I must have things I seek to share with an audience, an audience of friends, family, acquaintances, former lovers, almost lovers, strangers, and perhaps, even, friends-to-be. I don’t know. Everything is so confusing right now that it’s hard to have clarity about anything. But not bad confusing, just confusing. My grandma used to say that hard isn’t necessarily bad, it’s just hard, and that is my life right now. It is possible for things to be confusing and strange and uncertain but not remotely bad.

Things are just really hard. Not bad. Just hard.

And it’s all growing pains, really. I’m learning so much, being exposed to so much, that it hurts my brain and keeps butterflies alive in my stomach almost 24 hours a day. And while I’m learning all of this work/career/personal/ stuff, I’m also trying to learn and maintain balance- to keep the work separated from the personal- and none of it is easy. I do wonder… no, I don’t. I was about to wonder how I found myself in this position- how I found myself this incredible job, and these wonderful people to work with me and support me. I was about to write that I wonder what I did to deserve this. But I don’t wonder. I know exactly what I did to deserve this, and now I just have to work to keep deserving it.

So much has happened- a family reunion in Utah, tomato plants growing higher than my carport, massive movement on the job front, and what feels like a constant undulation in my heart, a rolling earthquake moving through my chest as I navigate all this new terrain, but at the moment, I just need to go to bed. I promise a picture blog will be coming shortly, but now, sleep.