waiting

Posted September 17th, 2005 by Michelle

As of a week ago Friday, the Red Cross put a freeze on all deployments from this part of California. At least, that was the word, and so all of us were put on hold. I didn’t find this out until this past Thursday, which was the day I was supposed to hear about my deployment date. As much as this is not exactly about my wants and needs, I was still really disappointed, because I am so ready to go. I called my local chapter yesterday- Friday- morning, only to hear that the hold was off, that deployments are happening, but that there was “no rhyme or reason” to the order. All the people who were supposed to be deployed as of last week are now being called, and since I wasn’t to go until today, I’m further down the list and it may be a few days until they get to me.

But at least I’m not on hold anymore- at least that call is going to come. I know that I’m still needed, I know I’ll still be of service, but I feel like I could have been of MORE service these last three weeks when things were such chaos. Although, from what I’m hearing, there is still plenty of chaos for those of us being deployed late. I have a stack of clothes, a shoebox full of toiletries, my boots and my bag sitting out ready to be thrown together, but for now, I’m still waiting. I hate waiting.

The main reason I’ve had to wait, though, is not the Red Cross deployment times, but because the most important annual event for my organization was last night, and I simply had to be here to see it through. It was a raging success, simply wonderful, and it reminds me of the importance of following through on commitments. When things get hard, it is so easy just to take an entirely different path. When I was younger, this manifested in moves. We moved constantly, and then I moved constantly, and each time I figured that this time would be better, this new place would be better. And although going to the Gulf Coast is scary, although that work will be really hard, it will be a different kind of hard then the hard I face every day here. And honestly, it will be less stressful, less pressure, because I’ll be one of many working towards the same goal, as opposed to one of very few trying to support an entire non-profit. I didn’t realize how much I was looking forward to the break- how it will be, if I am totally honest, a welcome brief escape. It will also be a reminder that what I do here in my job does not save lives, that it is so much smaller than I tend to remember, that there is so much to do in the world and I really need to keep my miniscule slice in perspective.

There is also a part of me that looks at my success here and wonders how better that energy could be put to use. What positive change could I bring to FEMA? What positive change is possible for FEMA? And who am I to think I could make a difference? But then, last night, walking around the event, I realized that there had been a palpable cultural shift in the last year within my organization and the people it serves. And if it’s possible to have a hand in that, why not so much more?

But I wait. It is a stunning, stunning Napa Valley day, with a deep blue sky and white puffy clouds and a warm breeze. It’s the first day off I’ve had in three weeks. So I wait, and… nap.