yeah, I know, but still

Posted November 29th, 2006 by Michelle

There is something about this season that throws everything into stark relief: the good fortune of friends & family & toys & warmth, as well as clarity around singularity. I always spend a lot of time back east this time of year, and I have what feels like a reasonably full life back there, because my family is so present and so huge to me. I’m having a difficult time, thinking about what exactly I want; or rather, I’m having a difficult time because, as always, I want so many things and I’m not sure how to focus or how ultimately I will choose.

I’m also feeling a great deal of frustration & anger about how crappy my education was, and I suppose it’s frustration I should have felt long ago but it’s only coming up now. Of course, in many ways, I’m incredibly grateful for everything that led up to this very moment, but there are deep, black, dark holes in my chest and I’ve realized it doesn’t do me any good to pretend they aren’t there or that they are comparatively unimportant. It’s only me, after all, it’s all I’ve got, and if I don’t take care of me I can’t do anything I want to do in this world.

Sean was talking the other evening about the story of the birth of Christ. You’ll never meet a non-religious person who loves that story as much as he does. He said it was the inherent possibility in every birth that gets him- that every child born could be a child who changes the world. I feel like, had I had anything resembling a decent education or, christ, I don’t know, a feeling any time I was young that I had *options*, I could have been that child. I don’t really care how this sounds. I want to change the world, I want to already *have changed* the world and as I’ve said a thousand times before, I want a life that takes my focus OFF of my own navel. But left to my own devices, it seems I buy expensive sweaters and turn on the television and forget, all too often, that I’m actually supposed to be doing something. Maybe it’s my determination to be alone these last many years that seems to be in vain. Like, I’ve sacrificed, but what for. I call it “career” because I can’t name what it is I really want to be doing.

But I feel this strange sense of miracle just around the corner. Nothing to do with me, but with something of which maybe I’ll get to be a part. It might be Barnaby, it might be something else, but I have this sense that something unexpected is brewing in the cold and that if I stay awake, I might get to see it, or experience it. I had this feeling about six years ago, and it was spot on, although it took years for me to truly recognize what it was.

Or maybe it’s just that I’m terribly jet-lagged and feel like I have feet in two different worlds right now. Maybe, though, maybe Sean’s right, and this time of year the cold air thins the barriers and something truly unexpected could happen.