I’m the boss; I have an amazingly supportive board; and I have a staff that is, I think, willing to co-create a new way of doing things.  But how can I manage to be different, every day?  I realized tonight that I’m going through my work day pretty much unconscious of everything I’m doing.  I have these massive to-do lists and I just keep knocking stuff off of them, taking only the briefest moment to acknowledge simply that the list might be getting shorter.  But then, the next time I’m waiting for a meeting to start, I’m adding things to the list, and now I have pages and pages of half-crossed off tasks.  And there is an utter lack of joy in everything I’m doing.  In fact, there is an utter lack of feeling.  I feel so disassociated, so disconnected, like I’m just working to keep my head above water and periodically going under so I can dodge the bullets aimed at my head.

Doesn’t sound so fun, does it?  Here’s the weird thing: it’s entirely my own creation.  It’s entirely my doing.  I’ve chosen the direction of this organization; I’ve chosen to make it highly public; I’ve chosen to leap without thinking; and of late, I’ve chosen to keep doing it wrong in the same way, over and over and over again.  

So now that, through this pilot program, I’m being given the chance to make it right, to rebuild it from the ground up, to turn it on it’s head and figure it the fork out, you’d think I’d feel some relief.  Instead, I’m wondering how to find the courage to make the time to really change my terrible habits, really hold my staff accountable, really set boundaries that must be respected and deadlines that must be met.  And all I want to do is stick my head in a hole.  Actually, what I really want is to lead with leaders, be part of a real team that shares responsibility and leadership and accolades equally.  For just a week, maybe a month, I don’t want to be on the front lines, and I don’t care what that looks like.

What I really think I need is a vacation somewhere where I feel no pressure to be or do anything.  As much as I always want to spend my vacation time with my family, I think I need to actually go away, somewhere unfamiliar, where there is no pressure whatsoever to be anywhere or do anything ever.  

But before I do that, I need to find the courage to change.  And to create a new infrastructure in my work place that means I can bear to show up every day, and that I have the time I need to complete my work.  I also need to let go of the notion that to be a high performer, I need to do everything brilliantly.  Because I can’t do everything brilliantly- at that point, when I strive to do that, everything becomes just good, or at worst, passable.  Instead, I need to find peace with choosing what is going to be brilliant, and what is going to be good enough.