I said no, no, no

Posted April 22nd, 2008 by Michelle

I’ve had a strangely long and emotional day.  I didn’t sleep last night- truly, tossed and turned and looked at the clock most of the hours of the night- because of the fear of today.  Today was, at work, a very charged day, for a number of reasons, and I spent most of last night talking myself out of giving in to fear.  Fear of anger, fear of disappointing people, fear of retribution, fear of unfair but still painful attacks.  And yet… most of what I met with today was grace.  And I was humbled, and moved by that grace.  There are a lot of people in the world who are comfortable with being and acting from a low, ugly place; but there are also a lot of people who, faced with rejection or loss, see through it all and respond with an open heart.  This doesn’t happen often in my line of work, but it happened today, and I am grateful.

At one point today, I quite literally flung myself on the floor of my office, in front of my staff, arms to the sky, and thanked the gods.   At another point today, I danced alone in my jammies to Amy Winehouse’s “Rehab” with- no joke- a big glass of red wine in my hand.  It’s been one of those days.
But this idea of giving in to fear is something that has been haunting me lately.  It seems there is so much to fear, if I choose to operate from that place.  There is everything from: when I answer this call, will it be someone who is unkind? to, will I ever be lucky enough to have children?  And sometimes it threatens to pull me under.  Last night, when my staff was in hour 10 of what would be a 13-hour day, one of them had the insight to say, “I don’t want to make a decision on this based on fear, or on finances, or on anything other than what we truly believe in.”  And so we made a courageous decision, and today, when I expected the house of cards to fall down… well, it turns out it was made of stronger stuff.
The aftermath is not done.  Tomorrow might be even tougher than today.  But I’m grateful to be in this work, and grateful that I’ve managed to surround myself with people who can be strong, even when I can’t.  And it inspires me to recommit, to these people, to my work, and to my life, even when things feel so fuzzy and strange.  I’m still in desperate need of a couple of weeks in Hawaii, but for now, I’m here, and I’m in.