on having children

Posted August 4th, 2008 by Michelle

I turned 36 not too long ago, and my life is shifting in a way that makes the idea of having children a real possibility in the next couple of years. Well, I should say, that that idea of trying to have children is a real possibility. So many people I know and love are struggling with this right now, so all I can do is hope that when the time comes, my ovaries and uterus and his lil’ swimmers all cooperate, play nice, and aren’t too aged. But that may be the topic of another series of blogs, quite some time from now.

Now, all I can think about is: what is it going to be like? What is it going to be like giving up my fierce individuality and particularity (which entails everything to how I load the forks in the dishwasher to how I’m not accustomed to a partner of any kind) when first I enter into a relationship, and then when I (ye gods willing) bring forth another human into this world? How will I negotiate all of it? I really don’t know. I’m very curious. But I’m also terrified.

First of all, I’m the youngest of five, so, it may be possible that I’ve never, I repeat, NEVER, changed a diaper. I wasn’t one who wanted to babysit kids when I was younger and looking for work in the neighborhood; instead, I was the cat-sitter and dog walker. Cats and dogs I understand. But, um, a kid? Lucy and Barnaby may be the first babies I held since Sean Patrick and Lucas were born, lo over 20 years ago. And now I’m somehow supposed to figure out how to hold one, and feed it and care for it and know how to make it feel better ALL THE TIME? I really don’t know how much of this is encoded in the female DNA. I think most of it is learned, and I really haven’t had the chance.

I taught myself to cook through books and questions. I taught myself to run a non-profit the same way. I taught myself Excel by wandering through it for hours on end (and then asking my staff to make my spreadsheets do what I want them to do when I get frustrated). I don’t think that’s exactly going to work with a baby.

I feel really comfortable- and really competent- with infants, and with 20-year-olds. What am I supposed to say for the other 19 years?

What’s it going to be like if I’m lucky enough to get pregnant? How will I deal with the additional body issues? My mom says that the butterfly tattoo on my belly will look like a pterodactyl. That would be awesome. But. How will I not be scared all the time? What will it mean for my career? What if I have a baby and then never, ever want to work again? What if I have a baby and can’t wait to get back to work? What if I have TWINS?!

The thing is, I have no idea what it’s going to be like. I already feel woefully unprepared, terrified that between my inexperience and linear, particular ways, I might be a crappy mom.

But, maybe not. Maybe not. And the thing is, next to marrying the man I love, there is nothing that excites me more than the idea of giving it a shot.

2 Responses to “on having children”

AddledWriter says:

August 9, 2008 at 3:05 pm

See, that’s the side of it a lot of people don’t think about. All of us are so scared about not being able to get pregnant, and spending so many years worrying about the ticking clock, that we don’t even have the chance to think about how the focus of our existences will be a baby when we have one – and losing the independence you mention. I’d definitely be ready to give up that independence and focus on the baby, but it’s definitely a change, and it’s a shame that it takes us so long to find the right man that we can’t wait much longer if we want to have great chances of pregnancy. It’s nice when people get married at 25 and can wait a lot of years, but that doesn’t happen to everyone. Seeing other people struggle with fertility and infertility is pretty scary. In ten years this won’t be as much of an issue, because there will be more ways to freeze eggs, encourage fertility, etc. (not for everyone, and there will still be problems, but it will be easier). For now, we are left making some really hard choices.

That said, you seem in great shape and you’d be a great mom. Who knows…it can all turn around pretty quickly!!

Bean says:

October 24, 2008 at 11:49 am

Just had to delurk to comment on this one. As for the infertility issue, I won’t write about that now(though I could spend hours writing about it as I’ve been struggling for over 3 1/2 years to have another child). What I wanted to respond to is the being scared about everything else. First, I know LOTS of women (including my sister) who are mothers who never babysat or even seemed remotely maternal, but they are all perfectly fine parents. Learning to parent is a lot like learning other skills, you learn as you go along. I don’t want to suggest that it’s easy, and I don’t think a lot of it comes as naturally as many people would have one believe. For instance I did not automatically know exactly what my daughter needed when she cried as a newborn. Based on my own experience and conversations with my husband, my sister, my parents, and countless friends, there’s a lot of trial and error, a lot of second guessing, a lot of regrets, but also a lot of joy. Though I’m sure you don’t actually need anyone to tell you that with those cute nieces and nephews around. I guess my point is, that while it’s a daunting task to undertake, don’t worry! Then again, the fact that you are worrying, probably means that you’ll be a more conscientious parent that most. 🙂
And while I’d be happy to provide lots of information about infertility and related treatments, I sure hope you won’t ever be in need of such information.