Five Months

Posted March 8th, 2010 by Michelle

My coach Leslie always says “you can do anything for six months”.  Her point is that it can be a job, a living situation, anything, really, and that you can tolerate it – and learn a great deal – in six months.  I’m just about one month away from my six month anniversary here at my new job, in my new home, and not only have I been able to tolerate it, I’ve been able to embrace it like no other place and job in my life.

I went to the store today to get a salad for dinner.  Jon’s working up in Napa all week this week, which is a wretched bummer, so rather than cook an elaborate dinner (which is now only appealing when I’m cooking for two), I went to get some greens, to be supplemented by the bag of strawberries patiently waiting to be devoured at home.  Walking into the store, I saw what looked to be a familiar woman near the grocery carts, and I hesitated.  I hesitated because for years, I lived in a place where there were people I was so determined to avoid that I sometimes didn’t leave my house on weekends.  Anyway, I did not know this woman, but I realized that I don’t have to live with that anxiety or fear here.  I even smiled at her, this stranger, as I walked into the store.

I made my own bed in Napa, created that uncomfortable living situation by being too raw with my emotions, to quick to trust false friends, too willing to define myself by my work.  I know that I’m the same person – just the place has changed – but I feel empowered now to not make those mistakes again.  I’m sure, at some point, I’ll grow weary of having to talk shop every Friday night when Jon & I are out and run into friends/colleagues/board members, but for now, I couldn’t be more delighted.  Here, I feel embraced, welcomed, celebrated, treasured for who I am.  My last couple years in Napa I felt like a hollowed-out shell where my job scraped my insides every day, attempting to get every last scrap of flesh from my exhausted mind and body.

So, this time, I get to try to do all of it with just a little more balance and a lot more confidence.  I’ve gone back and read some of my past blogs, ones from six or seven years ago, and with the pain of those years as my context, I try to tell myself that I deserve this, I deserve to have landed in a place that challenges and inspires me, and that I deserve the love of the most decent, thoughtful, smart, and adorable man on the planet.  I know that my job will be hard, that marriage is not easy, that many more trials await.  But I have a foundation I’ve never had before, some sense of peace in my life, and a whole crop of new friends who bring me incredible joy.

If that wasn’t enough, I am marrying the love of my life in less than two months.  So, if at any point, you hear me complaining about anything to do with my life, please kick me in the teeth.