Posted May 6th, 2006 by Michelle

After over $400 in tests and a fair amount of heartache and scratches on my arms, the vet has determined that Fezzik, my sweet little 14-year-old cat, is in the beginning stages of kidney failure. He’s now on antibiotics and a potassium supplement, but the worst part is the subcutaneous fluids I have to give him once a day.

I used to have this terrible fear not of needles, but of people sticking needles in me. There are a number of terrific stories around my passing out whenever a needle pierced my skin (including the time I passed out with my pants down after getting an antibiotic shot in the rear to cure strep throat) but when I applied to Peace Corps, I decided I’d get over the fear. And I did, with lots of yoga and therapy and deep breathing. The last time they took blood for the last bout of tests, I even chatted with the guy while he was doing it. But this doesn’t mean I’m fond of needles. So yesterday, when for the first time I had to push that little piece of metal into my dear cat’s skin, I almost threw up. And he was so patient and sweet- I was the one squirming and battling the urge to run and hide under the bed.

Kidney failure does not “get better”. It only gets worse. And it seems like not nearly enough time has passed since I went through the same kind of thing with Zooey (http://www.mlwms.com/blog/arch/2003_09_21_index.html). Zooey had been with me since high school; Fezzik been my travel companion since early college. He’s lived in Cedar Rapids, IA, Los Angeles, Chicago, Kansas City, New York City, Brooklyn, Napa Valley, and a number of smaller places in between. I only have one close friend who I’ve known longer than I’ve known Fezzik. And I don’t know what is worse- thinking about his death, or watchiing him live uncomfortably.

I know I’m going to be faced with some difficult decisions: how can I possibly afford the $300 ultrasound they say he needs? How am I going to pay both his vet bills, and the many hundreds of dollars I owe for my recent string of UTIs? How will I know if what I am doing for him is working? And when will I know that it is “time”?

Ian and Tessa had a terrific vet that said that pets should be “happy happy happy dead”. I agree with this, but it’s possible that with Zooey, I waited a little too long. I think there was at least a few days that I was thinking about my own “happy” rather than his. I don’t want to do that with Fezzik.

But for now, at least once a day, he is still purring. Indeed, he woke me up this morning to be petted, and that means that there is still a lot of life left in him. I think that will be the litmus that I use: as long as Fezzik still needs and responds to love, it means he wants to stick around. I’ll just take it a day at a time.