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Posted October 12th, 2005 by Michelle

It’s my last full day here. I’ve already outprocessed, and really, I could be back at the hotel- we are staying at a hotel!- sitting poolside, but I didn’t come down here to sit by a pool. I’m working tonight, and then a half-day tomorrow, and then I say goodbye to my friends and to this life and I get on a plane to go home.

Sean and I used to gauge the places we were living by how easily we could walk away. We’ll have been living in a town for a year or two and casually one of us would say to the other, “Could you leave today without saying goodbye to anyone?” and the other would, invariably, answer yes. If I left here without wrapping my arms around everyone I think my heart would truly break, and god knows that there are already cracks waiting to split in my chest.

The fire has been lit in me again. The fire that drove me to Peace Corps. But now I’m glad I didn’t do Peace Corps because I know that I can have a greater affect on the world than on a village. I know this. I have to find out what it is, what is next, what is the thing that I could do every day that would let me sleep at night, because I know now that while I’ve been on the path, I’m still far from the destination and I’ll be plagued until I reach at least the outskirts. I have to go home and figure out how to care about my job again. I have to go home, after what I’ve seen, and return to my work advocating for folks who have, comparatively, the world in their hands. I have to go home and, well, figure out how to get through the next few days, and then next week, and take it from there. I can’t help it, I can’t stop it, I belong on the map where the dragons live. I can’t apologize for it anymore, can’t romanticize it anymore, can’t pretend that there is anything else I want to do.

Every night on the way home from work, my team asks me to sing them a song, and every night, I do.

Back to work.