love and such

Posted July 24th, 2005 by Michelle

I dreamt last night that I fell in love.

It was a long, drawn-out dream- at least it seemed that way- beginning with strange courtship and uncertainty. And then I was sitting on the steps of a stairway, digging out a tray of tiny plants that he’d accidentally covered when he was trying to repot them. I slowly, carefully, felt my way into the loamy dirt and found the wee sprouts, scooped my hands under the roots and brought the seedling out, replacing it back in an appropriately-sized hole. I must have done this with fifteen or twenty plants. He was performing that night, he was singing in a band, and I peered around the stairway wall to see him at the microphone out in a park- one of those things possible in a dream. And he was so soulful, with big lips and a clear, high voice, and I still wasn’t sure what was going on until somehow he brought me into the performance, even put me in the spotlight somehow, literally singing my praises. And then we were in music together, singing to each other- I sang him the whole of Cole Porter’s “Anything Goes” while prancing up a staircase, and it was exactly in my voice as it sounds, except I was doing a passable Ethel Merman impersonation. And then we were in his mansion- it was vast, but largely closed down, and we, together with about ten, well, I guess they were servants, were setting a long table for our dinner, just the two of us, and we were in that moment, that feeling that something extraordinary is happening, hints of the future, both what was going to happen later that evening and what was going to happen for the rest of our lives.

Then, of course, I woke up, humming Cole Porter. The dream was so detailed and so clear, and strange, because usually my dreams are very dark, very violent, and very sad. This was joyful. If Tylenol PM will do this for me every night, sign me up.

It’s hard to write about it when sea change is happening in your life. I look back one year, two years, five years, ten years, and there is just no way I could have predicted this. I always knew that I had a certain something to accomplish, a certain direction I was supposed to throw my talents, and I’m stunned that not only have I found the path, not only am I being given the tools I need to be successful, but that I also have a tribe who will both help me and demand that I stay true. I’ve fallen into an organization that helps develop young leaders- I fell in, it found me, I stuck my head out enough that the right people noticed- and it began with a week’s retreat out at Sea Ranch on the Sonoma coast, and it doesn’t end for a year. The week was far more amazing and far more personal than I’ll share on this blog, but I do hope to track the changes in me and in my relationships with my family, my friends, my colleagues, my community, and, well, with the world.

It’s strange to look back at the moment I found my calling, when I was lugging buckets of bottled water around dark corners in lower Manhattan almost four years ago, trudging through the inches of grey, rainy slush as I searched for thirsty rescue workers. Before then, I knew I was missing a crucial element to my life; after, I thought I had to run away to Africa to find people in need. Now I realize all I have to do is peel away the whitewashed cover of my own community to find people who need me.

I’m feeling rather unapologetic about all of this. I’ve had people be mean to me all my life about what I wanted to do, I’ve had people roll their eyes so hard it hurt, accuse me of being on “too much Prozac”, of being full of shit, of being false. I finally realized that I’ve just been hanging out with the wrong people.

I’m acutely aware of my good fortune, of having found this organization and these people, of having a job that is never dreary or boring, of being resilient, dedicated, and worthy. I forget all of this reasonably often, but I remember it most of the time, and I have a tribe of folks who will remind me if ever I’m feeling lost.

Does this have anything to do with dreaming about falling in love? I dunno. But, hell, why shouldn’t I? Why on earth shouldn’t I have a terrific job, a wonderful community of friends and colleagues, a number of coaches dedicated to helping me realize all that I want to do in my life, AND a fabulous, brilliant, hot-geek man in my life? Sign me up.