Posted February 2nd, 2004 by Michelle

Hopefully only one more day of waiting before I find out if my little life is going to be taking a new direction. Until then, I feel almost paralyzed with hope, and largely unable to write or talk about anything. It’s hard to believe that something so good could happen to me, not because I don’t deserve it, but because these things just don’t happen very often.

I have a good friend here who has seen some really tough times, but in the last week, she’s 1)met an unbelievable terrific guy and 2) gotten the job offer of a lifetime. I’m so happy for her I can barely contain myself. The sucky part is that I’m also envious, in a way. I want these things to happen to me, too. So while I truly delight in the good things that happen to others, I can’t help but wonder when the Fates are going to draw my number, when they might deliver on the gifts bestowed upon me when they stood ‘round my cradle.

And then I also wonder, did I already squander those gifts? And then I also know that these good things will only happen to me if I am able to stop desiring them. I feel caught between a rock and a hard place: I want more from my life, but I feel selfish asking. I feel that every time I go looking for something, it becomes that much more elusive.