Ahh, dating
Posted December 5th, 2007 by MichelleI’ve been on a few first dates in the last week or two, and I have to say, you know if it’s going to work pretty quickly, don’t you. Some I’ve met online, others through friends, and it’s such a strange dynamic. Being set up, meeting online, none of it works particularly well because you can’t really know the first thing about someone until you are sitting across from them, having a conversation. You can’t know a damn thing.
I had a first date last night with a man I met through a friend of a friend, and for a few days we emailed back and forth before meeting. And I really enjoyed our online conversations. He made me laugh out loud, we had the same humor, he was witty and clever without being mean, he was articulate, and thoughtful. And then I met him, and I wanted to ask him if he was the same guy. In person, he was strangely cynical and negative, and didn’t remotely talk like he wrote. It was really confusing. If he hadn’t referenced some of our online conversations, I would have been extremely suspicious that he sent over his brother or something. But, no, it was him, and although he was attractive, and that fun, witty person was in there somewhere, I’m realizing that I find overly cynical people really unappealing. In particular, he was so hopeless about the world, but so completely unwilling to do anything about it. I know it’s easy to feel powerless, but if you aren’t willing to do anything at all, I don’t want to hear you bitch.
Another man was much the same way. Maybe it’s because I have to hang on dearly to my own hope, but I just can’t see myself being in a relationship with a man who can’t find some good in their lives, or in the world.
Of course, the cynicism was not the only reason I chose not to go on second dates with these men; it was one reason of many. But it’s still amazing to me that so many people in this world successfully find a compatible mate. I’ve always been amazed by this. For me, there have been men who have served so many purposes- as dear friends, as lovers, as brief flings, as dysfunctional longer-term relationships- but never have I met the man with whom I want to spend my life. I know it is going to take a great deal of compromise, and I’m absolutely open to that. But I haven’t yet met the man who makes me want to bend my life around his. I don’t feel hopeless about this, but I do wonder if I ever will.
This story of mine hasn’t changed much, I know. What is different is me. So, I’ve changed, and I’m different in these situations, but the story remains the same. I don’t know how to do this wrong differently.
“he was so hopeless about the world, but so completely unwilling to do anything about it.”
Yeah, that’s just lazy. I’ve met those people a lot with their excuses. They should just do something, anything – it doesn’t have to change the world, it can just change ONE person’s life. For a day.
Dating is too much pressure, especially if you haven’t gotten to spend any time with someone first. I don’t miss it, didn’t find it fun at all, and don’t envy anyone doing it. Luckily, I met my hubby through a friend. So when there were things about dating him that I didn’t understand yet, she could fill in background. That always helps.