For Sean

Posted December 3rd, 2007 by Michelle

Okay, I’ll try to be better about writing, for the three people who are paying attention.

It’s been a strange year. My job has been incredibly challenging not because of the work, but in some ways, because of the politics. I was in a lunch meeting the other day, and the topic of discussion was the volatility of the arts- of artists, and arts issues- and how it’s never been more difficult to retain staffers at high-profile arts organizations. Even here in my community, three other arts executive directors- which is my position at my agency- have stepped down in as many months. Part of the problem is that as local governments have cut services and resources, the private sector has had to do the work (and foot the bill) and that makes people like me, in essence, politicians. I’ve always said I wouldn’t go into politics, because my skin is too thin for the vitriolic personal attacks that the general public feels it can make against people in public service. It’s no wonder that worthy candidates often avoid the process altogether. But then there are some of us who are thrown into these situations without fully realizing the whole picture of what we are doing.

Of course, it is because of my position that I am an agent of change, and I believe- as do many- that the changes I am making are for the common good. But people everywhere are a) uncomfortable with change and b) have difficulties seeing the greater good, rather than their personal interests. So, it’s a tough spot, and more than once in the past six months I’ve really wanted to run for the hills. I haven’t done that, but I have sequestered myself in my home more than I think is good, simply to avoid being a public person at all times.

So, that’s been tough. And breaking up with my boyfriend was tough. The last quarter of this year has been, all around, tough, and I’m hopeful that the holidays will lift my spirits rather than make it all harder. The thing is, it’s been hard to have my work life so tough and for the bottom to fall out of my personal life, which it did slowly (and then more and more quickly) starting in late summer. It’s a hard thing, to learn to trust someone, and to begin to rely on them, only to realize have them slowly pull the rug out from under your feet. I did the final yanking, but it was threadbare by the time I did.

The last couple of days, I’ve been having those sort of existential moments: what do I really want to do? Where do I really want to be? How can I make better choices for myself? How can I make my work life work? How can I make my love life work? And I have exactly no answers.

Anyway, I haven’t written because I didn’t have much new to say. I’ve been probing the depths of my life and my psyche and didn’t feel the need to share my dull but focused navel-gazing. I want to make some decisions for 2008. I feel I have some important things to accomplish in my work life in the coming year… but I feel reasonably open as to what might be happening this time next year. And, umm, I want to have a baby, I want to start a family, so I gotta kind of figure that one out.