choices

Posted November 8th, 2007 by Michelle

I’ve made a lot of poor choices in my life. I’ve made bad choices in dating, in work, in acting, in just about every facet of my life. I do by best not to beat myself up for those choices, but there they are, and sometimes they haunt me. Most of the time they leave me alone.

A couple of weeks ago I chose to break up with my boyfriend. I chose this for so many reasons, but the main reason was we were not well-matched. I think even he knew this. There were lots of secondary reasons, lots of misrepresentations, some taking for granted, but overall, we wanted different things from our lives, and had different approaches- or levels of willingness- to make our lives what we wanted.

The problem is, I still cared for him when I ended the relationship, and to some extent, of course, still do care. But I simply cannot have half a relationship, even if it means being alone, again. I have to believe that there has to be a stronger partner for me out there. And what I do know is that it is far better to be and feel alone when I truly am alone, than to feel alone when I’m in a relationship, and that is something “up with which I cannot put”.

The ending of this relationship comes at a strange time in my work life, when things went from a mad roar to a quiet break, and suddenly my life, which was very full with strife and challenge and work and balancing acts, is suddenly… quiet. I know the mad roar will begin again, but for now, I’m left with more time than I’m accustomed to and it feels really strange. Not necessarily bad, just unfamiliar.

But I have to believe that this time, I made a really good choice. I showed up for this relationship, I fought for it, I loved him extremely well, and when it became clear that it was never going to go in the direction I needed it to go, I bowed out, with love and faithfulness and clarity. I’ve never had that experience before, and I’m doing my best to believe that it will only lead to the next great thing.