Folie d’un

Posted December 6th, 2006 by Michelle

I just came from a delightful but strange evening. One of my dear friends and colleagues had a huge presentation tonight- she runs a program in a local school and they had a performance, and many folks from my coaching network showed up. The show was hilarious and adorable- ten-year-olds running amuck- and afterwards a bunch of us went to dinner.

We went to a local restaurant that is slightly fancy and has live music every night of the week (which is a huge anomoly in these parts). And as I looked around the table, I realized I was there with (1) twenty-something year old philanthropist who has more money than anyone I currently know put together (and who is also delightful and smart), (2) staff members of a youth-led emancipating foster youth service organization and (2) youth staff of the same organization, one of whom is 19 years old, the other 16. All the youth staff of this organization are transitional foster youth themselves, and I’ve coached all of them on their various public speaking engagements & performances. Their backgrounds are horrific; they are sharp and funny and awesome.

Looking around at this table, I was awed by how different all of us were; how wildly different our childhoods and all of our experiences up until that moment were; and how rare it is to sit at a table with such a diverse group of people. Diverse racially, in sexual orientation, in age, and in socio-economic background, yes, but more so just so wildly diverse in experience & life. And we all had so much to talk about. I was so tired, I feel so worn by all the huge stuff going on at work, that I kept inviting everyone else to talk to me, rather than I to them, because I just wasn’t up for talking, AGAIN, about work, since that’s most of my life. By the end of the meal, though, I was energized, finally coming to life, and remembering just how much I love my network out here.

I don’t know that I’ve ever loved so many people.

We had a conversation about “best friends”, and did each of us have one? And I spoke of Stacey, and of Rachel, and others, but there are so many now that I’m so drawn to, and love so much, and my life has never really been like that. I need to make a practice of not isolating and actually spending time with these people, like I did tonight. It’s really nice to feel, well, *known*, and to not have to be *on*. It’s becoming more and more clear to me what I want it to feel like when I’m with people I love and who love me. And realizing that I have a lot of introverted tendencies, no matter what most people think, and honoring those as opposed to trying to pretend that I’m always a social animal.

At the same time, I’m aching to be back in New York right now, for so many reasons, to be there in the cold and with my family. I was there over Thanksgiving just long enough to get used to it, and it’s so hard to feel so strongly about two places with 3000 miles between them. I have a lot of faith that wherever I go, I’ll bring who I am now to that place, and build something there like I have here. But I still feel terribly torn. Nights like tonight throw into sharp relief the number of people who love & know me, and I don’t know that I’ve ever wanted anything more.