Posted February 15th, 2003 by Michelle

I tried to post a blog earlier today and Mr. Dell here in Napa wouldn’t let me do it. But so far, that was the only downer of the day.

It is gorgeous here, even though it is currently pouring down rain. Hovering around sixty degrees… light sweater weather… the sun peeking out occasionally and the breeze sweet and soft. Lovely. I spent last night with my dad and Carole and one of their neighbors, an unlikely foursome on Valentine’s Eve. The only place we could get in was Brix, here in the valley, and even then we “had” to sit and have martinis during the hour before our meal Wetalked politics, but my stomach didn’t turn, and I hardly gave a thought to the heartbreak I suffered two years ago on that day.

Today dawned cloudy and warm, well, comparatively warm to frigid New York, and we spent the day running errands and shopping. I spent the day thinking. It’s really important to get away from home every now and then. Important to release yourself from your life so you have time and perspective to think about what you need to do. Oh, and to sleep. I slept thirteen hours last night. If only I could ruminate on my problems for a full thirteen hours. Alas, I might toss myself off the Golden Gate if I did that, so… maybe only an hour or two. Today I sat on my dad and Carole’s porch, overlooking the Rutherford Bench, and watched two hawks circle the underpaid immigrant workers pruning the vines below. Still, it was peaceful, and the only two things I figured out in that hour of staring and drooling was that 1) I need to get out of credit card debt and B) I need a laptop computer. Neither of these were revelations, and nor are they in the order of importance, but really now. Not having a laptop means not being able to write 75% of the time that I need/want to. It’s just foolish and detrimental to my life. Credit card debt, well, that is a fact of life, and mine is only $5000, but it ties me to home, ties me to subsistence job, hangs over my head every time I think of running off to Africa for a couple of months to EMT some people back to health.

So that’s the only clarity so far. My dad bought me a kitchen apron. The night before I left, I found a hat my mom had gotten for me- a blue one with ears, exactly what I’d asked for during the first deep freeze. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am loved by my entire family. I know they are good people. I know that I am talented, and that I try to be good myself. You would think that just with this knowledge, I’d feel at least partially actualized.

I will free myself from the traps I have created. I will raze the walls that I have raised. I will do exactly what I want to do, create the life I need. I just haven’t figured out the first step.