Posted April 25th, 2003 by Michelle

When I was all of thirteen years old, my mom picked me up from somewhere- maybe school, more likely a friend’s house since it was night, and she had a perm. Lots of spiraling hair, since all of us women in the family have lots of hair. I was a little shocked, but it looked great on her. I asked her how much it cost, and when she told me, I absolutely freaked. I remember raising my voice, detailing all of the things that I needed, and she went and blew money on a perm. And she got mad right back. I will never forget her words: “I never do anything for myself! This was for me! For once for me!” And I was shamed. I didn’t admit it in the moment, but she was so incredibly right. She went with so little, in order for us to just have tie-dyed shirts on our backs and frozen meals in the fridge. I remember feeling so selfish. And that was at a point where there was no such thing as admitting a parent was right, so rather than recant, I sulked.

My mom still buys nothing for herself. In the last ten years, I am willing to bet that she has spent less money on clothes than I did on my bike. She feels like she’s really busting the bank when she buys herself ANYTHING- even things she can easily afford, and I think this is because, for so long, she had to sell her valuables piece by piece just to pay the rent. I think this still stays with her, and will color her life forever. Make no mistake. We were poor. We were as poor and down and out and skid row as much of poor America.

Here’s the kicker. My next memory linked to this event? Me sitting in a chair in a salon, getting a perm. Not a week after my mom did. She was so right, so deserving to do this small thing for herself, and yet I obviously was a pain in the ass enough to get the same thing for myself. That is where my shame kicks right back in. Although I don’t recall how it all happened, I know my mom offered to give me what she had given herself, and I accepted. I mean, you know, they say that the only revenge for being a teenager is having one yourself. I don’t know if I’ll ever have teenagers, but I think I already know.

I feel as though I’ve sinned, if you’ll pardon the imperfect phrase, against every member of my family, and everyone else I’ve ever loved. Perhaps that is what comes with being human, but it’s difficult to reckon with, to justify. I suffer a little for some of my actions towards my Dad, my Mom, my brothers, my lovers, and my friends. I’m a little tired of the idea that we lash out and hurt the ones we love most… particularly when we are young and living through a divorce. I try, by ye gods, I try, to do better now, but I sometimes fail. I guess I’m just acknowledging that. I fail. Sometimes I fail.

By the by, my perm looked terrible.