Posted April 18th, 2003 by Michelle

Night before last I slept ten hours without waking. I don’t know why, but working night shifts again at the restaurant- it’s been almost two weeks that I’ve only worked days- is much harder than I remember. I’m actively yawning with hours to go, and I fall asleep on the subway on the way home, and then I am down for the count for almost half a day. I hope I am able to adjust… can’t pay rent on lunch shifts.

The weather is back to awful. Wednesday it hit 86 degrees, and by 9 AM Thursday morning it was in the 30’s. I can barely grasp how that can happen. I’m hoping that today, hovering just above freezing, is the last of it’s kind.

I hate to restate the painfully obvious, but how could our troops allow the looting of the hospitals and museums in Iraq? They said they had orders to do so… from whom? The Grand Idiot in office? Or a bunch of grander idiots under him? I simply cannot understand. They “liberate” the people and then stand by while looters destroy the city. Someone explain this to me. Someone explain why if our whole tactic was to try to spare civilian life, why are there so many orphans lacking limbs all over the country? And why the hell is our government going to “watch over” the country? I feel almost worse now than I did in the middle of the fighting. We will never catch Saddam Hussein- I called it before this war began. The government-controlled media will let his name fade, like they did with Osama Bin Laden (yet another scapegoat figurehead- both terrible men, yes, but let’s call a club a club) and then years later they will pop up and nail us harder than they did on 9/11. Wanted Dead or Alive? Give me a fucking break. I just can’t deal anymore. I still want to spend the summer or fall in Iraq, but only with a humanitarian organization that had NOTHING to do with our government. How many days is that stupid clown left in office? I think counting them might make me feel better.

Ugh. I just don’t even know how to deal.

On the home front, I’m heading up with Ian, Tessa, and my mom to the farmhouse… soon to be joined by Sean and Jordana. If my mom is 71, and I’m 30, and we are the two perpetually single people in these crowds, should I be worried? I guess I don’t really have a choice until I actually meet someone. But my mom has had 5 kids and written tons of brilliant music and has had an incredible life so far. Sometimes I honestly doubt, in the bottom of my heart, that I will ever marry or have children. Who knows- maybe I’m meant for something else altogether.

And I have to say, I don’t miss a day of being with my ex. Or really, any of them. My relationships have been plagued with doubt and tension and ugliness, and frankly, abuse, and I don’t miss the feeling of going to work having just had a fight with my alcoholic boyfriend because he doesn’t remember all of the terrible things he said to me the night before. I don’t miss not inviting my girfriends over because my other boyfriend was so insecure he would spend all night flirting and hanging out with them and ignoring me. I don’t miss finding out that yet another boyfriend spent the night at a strip club- not a problem with me- but thinking I was the kind of person he had to LIE to about it. I don’t miss always being alone even though I was supposed to be in a serious relationship. I’ve never had a partner, someone who was as independent and smart as me, someone who could teach me things and who would be willing to learn from me. And until I do, I will continue to do things like have an affair at work, eat lunch alone, and be fully responsible for my own peace of mind. I would love to meet the man who rises above the rest, but until I do, well.

I guess I’ll go get some lunch.