Posted July 17th, 2003 by Michelle

True to form, I have once again not written when perhaps I really should have. The gaps in my journals, written since April 21st, 1979, always indicate a particularly difficult time. Perhaps it is because I do more talking than writing during times like this, but I also fear that not committing to paper keeps me from helping myself. Actually, I have no idea why, I just know that it is a habit to shy away from the written word when things get hairy.

I am in the middle of the battery of health tests required for the Peace Corps. I have now seen two doctors, one dentist and four nurses, in two different states, over the course of a month. And I’m far from done. I am still waiting for the results of my PAP and HIV test, and I have to get another urinalysis done since my test last week showed a presence of blood. They are thinking it was left over from my period, and I am certainly hoping the same. It is the only anomaly so far in all of my tests, and every inch of my body has been prodded. In one day, I had a hearing test, a vision test, a hemoglobin finger-stick, a TB test shot, urinalysis, and blood drawn for HIV, blood type, and RH-factor testing. The visit before I had a full physical and pelvic exam. In a week I get all of the results, the last tests, and I just might be finished. Two months of paperwork will go into my pre-addressed FedEx form, and then the real waiting game begins. I may not hear anything for months, my program, country, continent, and leave date could all change, and all I can do is be flexible and patient.

And I have to decide what I really want to do. Once I’ve sent the FedEx, I’m going to try my best to not even worry about it until I get my invitation, and in that week, make a choice to affect the next two plus years of my life. I don’t want to live the next few months as if I will be leaving shortly; I want to live as though nothing is fixed and take it from there.

I have to send out great thanks to my family and friends, even those who do not even know that I write this blog, who rallied around me this last week when I was attacked by the dark side. Someone tried to break me, tried to make me feel worthless and foolish and as though I was totally full of shit. This person sat me down and detailed what she believed to be a list, a long one, of my faults, and in the meantime, also insulted the very way I live my life. I actually believed her for almost a whole day, until I finally started talking to some of my friends and family who were furious. And I finally realized that although, as Ian said, maybe 15% of what she said was true, the other 85% was horseshit and she isn’t even worth a reply. Simply put, she is sick, and cruel, and insane with jealousy and anger, and she is not a person I want in my life.

And I am jealous of the millions of people in France right now who get a glimpse of Lance Armstrong and the rest as they fly by at 45 miles an hour. And jealous of those who have a TV, when I can only listen to the Tour on my computer. Turns out more people watch the Tour de France than any other sporting event, including the Super Bowl. If you’ve never watched these men in action, gentle reader, I encourage you to check it out. And I need to figure out why there are no women in the Tour de France. Hmmm.