Posted August 29th, 2003 by Michelle

I’m glad I didn’t write last night like I was planning to. I got home at 5 AM and I had plenty of thoughts ripping through me that screamed to be made public. Thankfully, I fell into bed and didn’t wake up until noon. That’s probably the best choice I made last night.

At 7 PM I was at Rocco’s, waiting for my friends Kellie and Liam to show up for Kellie’s birthday dinner. Liam was an hour late, but as soon as he got there, other people from my restaurant started filtering in. It was supposed to be just the three of us, but at one point there was ten people sucking off the $75 bottle of wine we’d ordered. Also, Kellie didn’t love all of the people who showed, and it was her night. By the time everyone left, it was 11 PM, and the three of us decided to get serious. Six hours and four bars later, I was on the Lower East Side at Kellie’s apartment, talking long and deeply about things lost to me today. I know our conversation was fraught with depth and courage and secrets but all I remember today was her pink silk skirt and the smell of the street.

After I crawled out of bed, I lunched with my friend Val who will be my manager at my new job. She is startlingly giving and gracious, and talks at great length about the people in her life. I’ve yet to meet even one of her friends, and I know more about them than I do some of my own. She’s really excited about the new bar, and I hope that I will be able to hold up my end of the bargain. I hope I can take the hours, and the drunks, and the lifestyle, if it means I have time to write and weekends to see my brothers.

I’m now upstate at the farmhouse, seeing this place for the first time since the wedding.

I’m conflicted about leaving my job. I’m conflicted about Africa, about where I want to live, about my cervix, about everything. The only thing I know for sure is I want change, and so that is what I will create.

Also, I’m not at all conflicted about popping “The Two Towers” into Ian and Tessa’s DVD player. It came in the mail minutes before I left my house. I’m going to go spend some quality time with the King of Men. And then think about what I’ve learned.