Posted October 16th, 2003 by Michelle

Ah, Christ, I’ve done it again. I barely know where to start. I’m learning a thing or two about writing in so public a place as this. I have a terrible habit of referencing things, in a vague way that is entirely open to interpretation, and sometimes that truly does get me into trouble because my words are taken the wrong way. A few days ago I wrote a blog, and mind you I was drunk, referencing truth and stories and wives and “sad men”. Ugh. Here’s the thing: I was writing of people completely outside my world of friends and my brothers’ friends. I have had a terrible rash of married men, men that I’ve met outside of the life that exists in my family, who seem utterly cavalier when it comes to their marriage, and it makes me so, so sad. Mad, actually, truly angry since I think they are so incredibly lucky to have love in their lives and yet they deny it. I tell you, this happened to me again LAST NIGHT- two different married men in two sets of people I met made it very clear that their intentions were not remotely pure.

These are the sad men I was writing of. I know that it was a stupid thing to write, considering recent events, oh my god DUH, but even in the haze of amazing red wine I would never, never be so cruel or ugly towards anyone I care about. I did not, and will not attack anything like that unless the people I’m referencing don’t read this blog. And the blog I wrote the other night will never be read by the men it was directed to. They don’t know me, they don’t know my family. They are strangers. There is just too many of them in this city, and they seem to find me.

I’ve met a lot of men, really good, true, wonderful men, who came upon a difficult choice and ultimately made the right one, even if there were slips and falls along the way. We are not defined by each choice but by the whole, and god knows I’ve screwed up worse than anyone I know. I screwed up three days ago by not being clear.

Things are as they seem, not as they are colored by a misinterpreted blog. I’m proud of the people I know who have made good choices to work things out. I’m glad that I am right here, today, having had the experiences I’ve had because hopefully it takes me one step closer to love in my life. I learned this summer that I can love again, that all it takes is the right person to come along. I didn’t know that before. I didn’t know how closed off I was. So thankyou, for anyone who has taught me that, and seriously, let’s be done. I promise not to be vague and sucky anymore.

My book allows me to write about all of this, this single silly life, clearly, with perspective, and with history. I can research things, go back and edit, and best of all, use my very rich fantasy life. I’m not nearly so clear on my blog sometimes. But I guess I deserve some forgiveness, too.