Posted February 19th, 2004 by Michelle

I have to say that I sympathize with Bud in his lack of time for blogging. I’d love to have time to do it every night, but sometimes when it’s 4 AM and you have to wake up at 9, you simply choose sleep.

I’m in New York, and have had a strange experience so far. My flight here was a blast- my mom decided at the last minute to fly with me, so she met me at the airport and we drank beer and watched DVDs on my laptop as we sailed above the country. In fact, we inspired our whole row to drink beer with us and our terribly nice and extraordinarly gay flight attendant was our sweet, sweet bartender.

I didn’t plan this trip, and therefore missed out on an important opportunity: looking forward to it. I wasn’t really prepared to be here, prepared to see my friends and family, prepared to leave my little life in St Helena. My first steps onto Union Square, usually filled with wonder and joy, were instead a little confused and almost odd. Rather than feeling like home, the very buildings reminded me of the naysayers, the fuglies, the unfortunates who decided to make me feel unwelcome in this city. There have always been those who persecuted me for who I am: not jaded, not bitter, and although frequently conflicted or sad, unwilling to bleed said sadness all over my co-workers. In Hollywood, the joke was I that I must have been totally hopped up on Prozac. In New York, the few arseholes decided I was only half a person. What only a precious few noticed was that I actually know the meaning of professionalism in the workplace, and also a sense of decorum and privacy. I was persecuted by most because I didn’t lay my faults and problems bare the minute I walked in the door every day.

I was left to wonder, however briefly, how many friends I actually have in this city. And is this really my home?

But then I remembered that I spent yesterday with the beautiful and wonderful Kellie, and then today was blessed with a few hours of Mollie (who may live in Napa but is from New York, so she counts) followed by dinner with Damon and drinks with Ms. B and Megan. It’s too easy to be overwhelmed with the folks from the Dark Side, too easy to forget about the ones who’ve been nothing but good from the day I met them. I’ve got these folks, and Hayley, and all in her clan, all of whom are, in every way, as good as it gets.

It feels strange not be torn. I realize now that I will hang on to these few people here, as I know I’ll hang on to my newer friends in Napa. There is room, so much more room now in my heart for all of them now that I stopped waiting tables, now that I have a ton more juice in my caregiving psyche. Now I have room to try to be a good daughter and a good friend and I find it to be a negotiable challenge. But I’m not here wishing that I could stay forever. I am here, enjoying myself, and when it’s time to go back to California I’ll be excited and ready for my new job. That is, if this job ever gets off the ground. But that’s a whole nother story.

But… it’s all good, and for various reasons I’ve extended my stay here until a week from today. I just hope there’s enough eggs in the fridge cuz my wallet is suddenly filled with cobwebs and a painted wooden sign saying “GO AWAY”.