Posted February 15th, 2004 by Michelle

It’s amazing to me, the phenomenon of turning on your light when a nightmare wakes you in the dark. Suddenly the nightmare is clearly just imagination. It seems to be the same of what I think might be really good in my life. All I need to do is turn a spotlight onto it and I realize that it’s not necessarily really good, it just is what it is.

This Valentine’s day was three years single for me. Three years is a long, long, long forkin’ time. It makes me think, is all. I’ve not been without dates, not been without the company of men, but I’ve chosen to not fall in love. Interesting choice, isn’t it? I mean, why? It’s worth exploring, and also worth exploring what it is that I want now. I have had moments of thinking, AHA! THIS is what I want. And then I shine a light on it and I realize that it just isn’t. It just isn’t what I want.

I knew I wanted two things: a good group of friends and a job I liked. I’ve found the former and I’m working really hard on the latter. I’m moving forwards in that arena, and only time will tell if this new job is going to make me happy.

I’m off to New York in two days, and strangely, I wasn’t sure I wanted to go. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to miss what will be happening here while I was gone. What would be happening in my life here. My life here. (I have a life?!)

Clearly I’m not tracking. I’m thinking about dooce’s new baby (dooce.com- if you haven’t checked it out, you are missing out on one of the best writers of my lifetime) and about waking up at 6:15 to sear off some of my new chub (incurred while not being able to walk on my poor little sick feet). So I am off to bed, with nothing more than these random, silly, but slightly contented thoughts.