Too much information, running through my brain.

Too much information, driving me insane

I’ve heard twelve or thirteen Police songs in the last couple of days, but it’s this one that’s stuck with me. There is so much going on that I’m exhausted from the sheer volume of it, but at the same time, I read my brother Sean’s blog and I remember what it was like to be in New York where peoples’ lives are actually sometimes hard.

I’m still in the waiting game, days away from finding out if this major change in my life is going to happen. It’s a longer process than I first thought, but if I don’t have a clear decision by Wednesday than I shall make the decison for them. I have the rest of my life to plan, including a possible trip back to NYC to see Sean and Jordi do Shakespeare in Queens, and I’m anxious to get on with it.

I’m in another class at the Rudd Center-CIA/Greystone. This one’s called “Sensory Analysis” and is taught by the polar oppposite of Karen MacNeil. John B., as we are to call him, is an affable and funny guy, prone to cracking silly jokes and then laughing at them. He’s brilliant, though, and he is also a gifted teacher, but his style is opposite of Karen’s. So far the class is also a little elementary but I hope we really dive in tomorrow. It’s only a two day class, and I want to get a lot out of it.

I saw “In America” tonight and it has clearly left me at a loss for words. I ought to stop writing before I get any more distracted. If you haven’t seen it yet, well. You really ought.

I’m not having a baby, I’m not in a great acting class, I’m just shuffling through this little life of mine. That’s it. Turns out there are a couple more days to wait unitl I find out if my new opportunity is exactly that, and the waiting is exhausting. Hope fades these days with alarming speed.

I actually had a great day today, very busy, ending with good friends and terrific conversation, but sometimes just before falling asleep I lose hope.

Hopefully only one more day of waiting before I find out if my little life is going to be taking a new direction. Until then, I feel almost paralyzed with hope, and largely unable to write or talk about anything. It’s hard to believe that something so good could happen to me, not because I don’t deserve it, but because these things just don’t happen very often.

I have a good friend here who has seen some really tough times, but in the last week, she’s 1)met an unbelievable terrific guy and 2) gotten the job offer of a lifetime. I’m so happy for her I can barely contain myself. The sucky part is that I’m also envious, in a way. I want these things to happen to me, too. So while I truly delight in the good things that happen to others, I can’t help but wonder when the Fates are going to draw my number, when they might deliver on the gifts bestowed upon me when they stood ‘round my cradle.

And then I also wonder, did I already squander those gifts? And then I also know that these good things will only happen to me if I am able to stop desiring them. I feel caught between a rock and a hard place: I want more from my life, but I feel selfish asking. I feel that every time I go looking for something, it becomes that much more elusive.

In one of those familiar turn of events, the week I should have been writing is the week when there is no time. There are easily 20 moments in this past week that deserve pen to paper but it has simply not been possible- not when I have to get up as early as I do to get to work or class. It’s been non-stop since a week ago Saturday, not one day off, and every single day has held some element of surprise, some excellent curve ball. I’ve not had time to think about most of them, let alone write about anything.

I have a possible new opportunity that could change my life, certainly for the better, and possibly even keep me here for a more specific amount of time. I’ve not yet felt grounded here, not on any level. I’ve felt that at any moment, I might just lift off and float away. This has the possibility of making me feel a little more connected to my life here. But I won’t know until next week how real this opportunity is, so I’m trying my best not to count on it. If it happens, I’ll yell it from the rooftops.

I finished my Mastering Wine class on Friday, and found it to be perfect. Karen MacNeil is one of the most gifted teachers I’ve ever known. Her passion, her authority, her very being is extraordinary, and I am sorely sad that I won’t spend the next couple of years of my life in her company. Being around a woman so involved, so brilliant- it’s almost enough to make me think I really, truly want to pursue this.

I’m at work as I write this, so I can’t finish even a single thought without interruption. I hope to have a little time tonight to do what I gotta do.