David Gray.

I had the wonderful experience of attending KFOG’s Concerts for Kids last night in Oakland, with David Gray and KT Tunstall. (Never mind that I think KT Tunstall sounds like it should be on the periodic table.) KT was really surprising. Her “Big Black Horse and Cherry Tree” song I’ve always found pretty annoying, because it seemed like she set out to write a song that would do a certain thing, and that song does that certain thing, and it just sounds formulaic and annoying to me. But last night I got to hear the rest of her music, which has folk, country, rock, just about everything mixed in, and I was pleasantly surprised. By the end of the night, I was pretty sure she had grown up on the Housemartins, XTC, Beatles, and maybe even Joni Mitchell. And she’s got a totally rockin’ voice.

But, oh, David Gray. I always thought he was older, by the sound of his voice. Now, I really don’t care how old he is. He is absolutely delicious. It’s not just that he’s hot. It’s that I was pretty sure he was going to break his neck and left leg by his ongoing thrashings as he was powering out a ridiculously emotional and energetic set. It was wonderful to behold. And I’ve always loved his song “Babylon”. It too may be formulaic, but the formula works on me, and the man can shred. And for that particular song, he had only three electric/acoustic guitars to accompany him, one of them a twelve-string, and he just sang the crap out of it. Three-part men’s harmony, three guitars, and him sharing this incredible song with everyone in that room.

I need to see more live music. I need to have more experiences like that one. And I need me my very own David Gray.

I’ve been on a few first dates in the last week or two, and I have to say, you know if it’s going to work pretty quickly, don’t you. Some I’ve met online, others through friends, and it’s such a strange dynamic. Being set up, meeting online, none of it works particularly well because you can’t really know the first thing about someone until you are sitting across from them, having a conversation. You can’t know a damn thing.

I had a first date last night with a man I met through a friend of a friend, and for a few days we emailed back and forth before meeting. And I really enjoyed our online conversations. He made me laugh out loud, we had the same humor, he was witty and clever without being mean, he was articulate, and thoughtful. And then I met him, and I wanted to ask him if he was the same guy. In person, he was strangely cynical and negative, and didn’t remotely talk like he wrote. It was really confusing. If he hadn’t referenced some of our online conversations, I would have been extremely suspicious that he sent over his brother or something. But, no, it was him, and although he was attractive, and that fun, witty person was in there somewhere, I’m realizing that I find overly cynical people really unappealing. In particular, he was so hopeless about the world, but so completely unwilling to do anything about it. I know it’s easy to feel powerless, but if you aren’t willing to do anything at all, I don’t want to hear you bitch.

Another man was much the same way. Maybe it’s because I have to hang on dearly to my own hope, but I just can’t see myself being in a relationship with a man who can’t find some good in their lives, or in the world.

Of course, the cynicism was not the only reason I chose not to go on second dates with these men; it was one reason of many. But it’s still amazing to me that so many people in this world successfully find a compatible mate. I’ve always been amazed by this. For me, there have been men who have served so many purposes- as dear friends, as lovers, as brief flings, as dysfunctional longer-term relationships- but never have I met the man with whom I want to spend my life. I know it is going to take a great deal of compromise, and I’m absolutely open to that. But I haven’t yet met the man who makes me want to bend my life around his. I don’t feel hopeless about this, but I do wonder if I ever will.

This story of mine hasn’t changed much, I know. What is different is me. So, I’ve changed, and I’m different in these situations, but the story remains the same. I don’t know how to do this wrong differently.

Okay, I’ll try to be better about writing, for the three people who are paying attention.

It’s been a strange year. My job has been incredibly challenging not because of the work, but in some ways, because of the politics. I was in a lunch meeting the other day, and the topic of discussion was the volatility of the arts- of artists, and arts issues- and how it’s never been more difficult to retain staffers at high-profile arts organizations. Even here in my community, three other arts executive directors- which is my position at my agency- have stepped down in as many months. Part of the problem is that as local governments have cut services and resources, the private sector has had to do the work (and foot the bill) and that makes people like me, in essence, politicians. I’ve always said I wouldn’t go into politics, because my skin is too thin for the vitriolic personal attacks that the general public feels it can make against people in public service. It’s no wonder that worthy candidates often avoid the process altogether. But then there are some of us who are thrown into these situations without fully realizing the whole picture of what we are doing.

Of course, it is because of my position that I am an agent of change, and I believe- as do many- that the changes I am making are for the common good. But people everywhere are a) uncomfortable with change and b) have difficulties seeing the greater good, rather than their personal interests. So, it’s a tough spot, and more than once in the past six months I’ve really wanted to run for the hills. I haven’t done that, but I have sequestered myself in my home more than I think is good, simply to avoid being a public person at all times.

So, that’s been tough. And breaking up with my boyfriend was tough. The last quarter of this year has been, all around, tough, and I’m hopeful that the holidays will lift my spirits rather than make it all harder. The thing is, it’s been hard to have my work life so tough and for the bottom to fall out of my personal life, which it did slowly (and then more and more quickly) starting in late summer. It’s a hard thing, to learn to trust someone, and to begin to rely on them, only to realize have them slowly pull the rug out from under your feet. I did the final yanking, but it was threadbare by the time I did.

The last couple of days, I’ve been having those sort of existential moments: what do I really want to do? Where do I really want to be? How can I make better choices for myself? How can I make my work life work? How can I make my love life work? And I have exactly no answers.

Anyway, I haven’t written because I didn’t have much new to say. I’ve been probing the depths of my life and my psyche and didn’t feel the need to share my dull but focused navel-gazing. I want to make some decisions for 2008. I feel I have some important things to accomplish in my work life in the coming year… but I feel reasonably open as to what might be happening this time next year. And, umm, I want to have a baby, I want to start a family, so I gotta kind of figure that one out.