Posted March 19th, 2004 by Michelle

For those of you who thought I was being proud or full of bravado, there are a few things I’d like you to know.

First and foremost, I’m not out to save the world. My good friend Damon and I mention saving the world whenever we sit down to figure out what we can do about this place where we live but then we smile and get down to brass tacks. But that’s about it. I clearly can’t save the world, and I probably can’t “save” one person. What I can do is be informed. What I can do is live within another culture and learn about that culture and then share that information with the people I love, thus opening their minds as well as my own. It is the unknown that we fear, and one of the missions of Peace Corps to foster understanding and knowing between cultures. If my dad knew anyone who lived in Mauritania, he might not be so opposed to me going. If my mom could even talk to someone who had ever been there, she too might be sleeping more easily.

And here’s more: 919 Americans have successfully completed tours in Mauritania. Right now, there are 104 Americans living side by side with other Mauritanians. I’ve never heard of a Peace Corps volunteer getting AIDS or dying during service. Have you? And then there are the 2,800,000 people who were born, laugh, cry, eat, fall in love, and die in Mauritania. Mauritanians are renowned for their hospitality and their dedication to Islam. Rather than being an extremist violent state, it is a peaceful, worshipful one where alcohol (and all of its ills) is rare and prayer is conducted five times daily. The capital, Nouakchott, would have been accessible and has both the internet and phone lines.

I would have lived with a family who would have become my family during those two years. The village where I would have gone has asked for me, wants me there, wants be to be happy enough to stay, wants to protect me, wants my knowledge and willingness and expertise.

And here’s the thing: I want to go, too. I want to know that family and that village. I want to wake up every morning and work with them. I want to live in Africa. I’ve been told that I’m selfish in this want. Perhaps I am. But I am the one who has to live my life. I am the one who has to wake up with myself every morning, knowing I’ve yet again ignored this call. There will be other calls, certainly, and I will spend time looking for them. But this call, to Africa, was loud and utterly clear and my family has told me they are against it and will not support it. I absolutely understand why they have these feelings. I also know that they will never fully understand why I want to do it. I have to let them think I’m being cavalier and irrational and selfish. But the 170,00 volunteers who felt this call, responded to it, and then successfully completed a tour in the Peace Corps understand.

I cannot do anything that my family opposes so vehemently. If you knew my family, you’d understand why. Clearly I’m lucky to have this family, to have so much love in my life. But I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m frustrated, and sometimes I feel like I have to punch my way out of all that love so I can remember that I’m not just a little sister, not just a daughter, but a person separate and of my own right. Every thing I do is looked over by 10 different loved ones and sometimes that is wonderful. Other times it feels like the weight of the world.