Posted May 28th, 2004 by Michelle

This is one of those days that I’m paid to sit in a chair, at a certain place, for a certain number of hours. This is the corporate America that makes my teeth itch. A couple of days ago, Sean said, “Aren’t you glad you didn’t go to Africa?” in light of my baker, my job opportunities, my new house, my friends. “It’s not that simple,” I replied. I’m not “glad” that I didn’t go to Africa, because that is an entirely different path I can’t even imagine right now. I know that right now, if I were in Africa, I would be thinking, “I can’t believe I almost didn’t do this”. It may sound phony or trite but even love does not outdo a calling. I’ll have to reconcile all of this someday.

And, like I said, love is easy when the other person is leaving forever, and not just because of the freedom it creates. The day my baker told me he was leaving was to be the day that I talked to him about our relationship. He has traits, practices that would have been an issue if we had more time together. Everyone can’t believe how well I’m taking his leaving, but the fact is, we aren’t entirely ready to be together. I don’t know if he’ll grow out of these things; I don’t know if it’s youth or if it’s just the way he’ll always be. It’s also a huge defensive maneuver on my part because he is 23, passionate, wild, and moving to Europe for several years. I am going to let him go. Completely, cleanly, clearly, let him go. And allow myself to go, too. No matter what it feels like to be around him, to wake up next to him. No matter.

If I were in Africa, I would not be paid to sit in a chair and write to all of you every day. That was my point. If I were working in service, I might be miserable, but I wouldn’t be paid to sit in a chair.

If I were in Africa, I would not have gone to the Farmer’s Market this morning and bought heirloom tomato plants to start my garden. Nor would I have put seeds in my bird feeder, nor would I have seen three hot-air balloons in the morning sky above my cottage. I mean, I’m not a fool. I know a good thing when I see it.