Posted May 25th, 2004 by Michelle

I went camping this past weekend and it was glorious. My baker (how funny, that with all the things this man is, we still refer to him as the baker) and I went 1100 miles- South Tahoe, Yosemite, desert, mountains, lakes, rivers, deer, magpies, hawks, hot springs, cold nights, polenta cakes by the fire (he is a chef, after all) and love beneath the sun and the stars. We spent three days driving and stopping, hiking and camping, and savoring our last weeks together. He is leaving next week, Tuesday being our last night together, and I just can’t believe it. I fought this for so long, fought him and myself and did my absolute best not to care about this person and he waded through it just for the chance to tell me I’m beautiful. He has given me more in less than two months than any man of my life. In my world of dating and relationships, he has been the one. Of course, it’s easy to love when you know that person is leaving you. I’m no idiot about that. Since the moment he decided to leave, we have given ourselves carte blanche to adore each other. It has erased my fears and put me face to face with actually loving someone enough to let them go. It’s a strange feeling. I’ve told him that the minute he leaves, our lives are our own and we should live them as we please. He speaks of not wanting to love again, and of seeing me again, and what can I say? I’ve lived almost 9 years longer than this man and while he is the most evolved specimen I’ve ever met, I know what is coming to him. I know what it is like to be young and passionate and filled with wanderlust.

I don’t know how long I can last at this job. Several days in a row I came in to my work and my boss’ first words were what I had done wrong the day before. The politics of this place are overwhelming- I can’t ask for help without someone telling me I’ve asked the wrong person. Trying to get anything accomplished is like punching through huge, sticky marshmallows- it’s impossible to reach the target and you get covered with shmeg trying. It’s tragic, really, because this place, this program could be great and I get roadblocked every time I attempt to make anything happen. My boss actually spoke of demoting me the other day because a student did something stupid and she believed it was my fault. If you were to ask the people I actually work for and with, they would say I’m invaluable, but the persons lording over me have no real concept of what I do. I guess this is Corporate America but clearly it is not for me. I don’t necessarily do this well. I can, I mean, I can do it brilliantly, but whenever I bow down I can’t sleep that night.

There is yet another huge possibility, career-wise, that is happening outside of this place. I’m barely smart enough to know that I can’t write one more thing about it, but this could be it. The merging of all the good things I’ve ever done. I’ll know more in the next couple of weeks, and even if it happens I won’t be able to write about it. However, it is hope, and goodness, and for good people, and it could be that thing I’ve been working towards. No, it’s not a Broadway show, nor a staff writing job, nor an incredible service opportunity, nor a chance to talk about and sell wine. It could actually be all of those things.

I’m hoping to plant a garden next weekend- tomatoes and squash and herbs and flowers. It will be a good project for my first weekend without my man. And hopefully Fezzik (my cat, not the giant) will be joining me soon, too. Comparatively poor company, but I’ll take what I can get.