Posted May 14th, 2004 by Michelle

There has been something huge happening every single day for the past couple of weeks and it is amazing how time falls away each day. In my case, time does not slip, it hurtles. Work has been difficult at best, challenging in good ways but ultimately the pain in my ass factor is larger than the satisfaction factor. I’m doing my best to roll with it but when I get an evaluation from my boss and she’s marked “above average” on my work performance, I realize I’m just wasting time. Yesterday I rolled up my sleeves to show her the excema dotting my arms. I’m literally covered in stress. Above average? Above average my ever-firming ass. I do excellent work, even when I screw things up, but I am unable to play the politics to the level she’d prefer and so I’m demoted to “above average”. If I ever do anything above average, I’d like to be, as they say, taken out back and shot. Or at least beat up. I don’t care to live like that.

I’m also working on another project for a different company that I hope will turn out to be a big opportunity. The work is challenging but satisfying, and I’m good at it. There just hasn’t been enough time. I was hoping to be done with it by now. Alas. I also finished my EMT refresher course, which was not a great use of time, but at least as soon as I get my notification in the mail, I will be recertified and I can start volunteering on a bus around here. That will be good times. First, though, I need to get the latest coursebook and actually refresh myself. I learned about 10% of what I need to remember in this class, and it is not nearly enough to start trusting myself with other people’s lives. It was great to be in that environment again, however- surrounded by EMS folks, nurses, firefighters (!)- the emergency community is good company. I’ve missed it.

And my baker- full of surprises, most of them good. He is so lovely, so sweet, so good to me, and I think I’m doing a pretty good job of just enjoying it. I have moments of doubt and fear but they are so much shorter and have much less impact than in any of my relationships past. There are times in the day that I like him more. I don’t know how to explain that, but in the mornings, I think he’s the best thing since SCUBA gear. I still like him an awful lot in the afternoons and evenings, but in the mornings he is so clear-eyed, so driven, so focused, and so adorable. There are things about him that give me pause, that are directly related not to our age difference itself but to the knowledge and choices those years bring. So it’s almost, almost easy to just enjoy and have good fun rather then getting caught up in the sturm and drang of a relationship.

I’m missing Anastasia in Vanuatu, and Hayley in New York, and even my friends here who I haven’t seen in far too long. But I’ve just signed a lease on a new apartment, a cottage really, here in town, so it looks like I’m sticking around for a little while. I’ll have to get everyone here to visit me. Any takers?