Posted June 20th, 2004 by Michelle

My mom always says that depression is not deeper sadness, per say, but that it is feeling as though one doesn’t have any options. I know she’s right, and nineteen times out of twenty, when I’m feeling bad, I can isolate my unhappy feelings and realize that what I’m actually feeling is trapped, bored, lazy, useless- i.e., that I’m not seeing the gazillion options in my daily life. But today, and yesterday, and some of the days before, I’ve been battling a grey cloud and I can’t seem to get through it. I know it’s ridiculous, in a way. I know that there are people in my extended family, and all over the world, who have it much, much, much, much worse. Vastly worse. But I can’t fight my way out of this one.

I am sad that my baker is far away and that there are things pulling us apart emotionally as well. I can’t get away from this feeling, even though I know that had he stayed, there would have been far more destructive issues between us than the ones hurting us today. I am sad, deeply sad sometimes, that I’m not working as an actor right now, and haven’t been for a long time. I am sad that I’m not working in relief in any capacity. I am sad for silly things, like… well, I never built the community in New York that I wanted. I’m sad that yet another man who screwed things up when he had the chance to work on a relationship with me is now courting me with excessive persistence (even an offer to fly me to NY for the weekend). I’m sad for him because that window of opportunity is shut, with rusty nails bent into the wood. I’m sad for me because a year ago his attentions would have made me so happy.

It’s been a hard sadness to shake, even though I got to see so many friends and family this weekend. Even though I gave my notice at my job, even though I’m about to start something really extraordinary. I know that all of these great things are happening to me, but I’m having a hard time relishing in them, being present, appreciating everything coming my way. I honestly don’t know if I’m doing the right things or going in the right direction. I mean, what is “right” for me?