“Better, Sir?”

Posted August 10th, 2004 by Michelle

It’s finally starting to cool down, now that it’s past 9 PM and full dark. We are in a particularly hot spell and it breeds napping and staring out the window. Instead, I sequestered myself at one of my two offices, the one with air conditioning and high-speed internet, and forced myself to write my first grant. Parts of it are good, parts of it are drippy, and maybe some of the numbers don’t make sense, but at least I have a first draft. Once I started I couldn’t stop. I skipped lunch and a yoga class and made myself sit there and hit keys. Only once did I get up to stare out the window, befuddled by a sentence, and less than a minute later I’d worked out the wording and was back to my desk.

I sent it to my boss to see if, well, really, to ask him if it was ridiculous or sucky or good, and I haven’t heard back. Really, I mean, what the fork, I’ve never written a grant before so if it sucks, there is a darn good reason.

I’m a little concerned that I’ll get to the office tomorrow and he’ll dissolve all of my feelings of productiveness and self-worth by telling me it’s no good, so I’m hanging on to what feels like one of my most productive days. Other things are crashing and burning, invitations not answered, fundraising not going well, and a certain Mr. Crappy Poopy Pants trying to take away some of the funding we’ve already earned, but at least I got the first draft of this damn grant done.

I can’t believe that I was in New York just last week. It seems like a zillion years ago, and I wish I had the whole week to do over. It was a good lesson in expectations, and in carpeing some diem whenever possible.

This is a bunch of kids in summer camp playing “Red Rover”. I spent all of about ten minutes in Central Park this visit, but at least I got to watch this. I totally miss summer camp, even though I only went a couple of random times. I want to go somewhere for a few weeks where we ride horses and paddle canoes and make friendship bracelets and drink sweet instant tea every morning after bunking with a host of spiders. I so totally want to do that right now.

If you told me I could have either 1) a burly fireman to love or 2) high-speed internet at my home, I’d have to think long and hard. And then ask nicely for both.

7 Responses to ““Better, Sir?””

IZO says:

August 11, 2004 at 12:33 pm

sometimes no matter what the circunstances are the feeling of not being totally happy is so strong that we can only think of that and nothing else.
I got married, have 2 little girls and still get this feeling more often than not… you see.. the way i think life will catch up on you as it did with me, and you’ll be very happy until you find another reason (love, money , career) not to.
what i am trying to say is : it’s ok to feel bad sometimes, but one has to try to be happy and feel good , and the rest of the chips will fall in the right place (life will catch up)

🙂

Greg says:

August 13, 2004 at 10:46 am

I thought you might like this…

REM’s next single (due for release in late September) is titled “Leaving New York”

They released a snippet of the chorus today.

Michelle says:

August 13, 2004 at 10:55 am

Wow- have I written about my former obsession with REM? I haven’t like much of their recent stuff (recent starting with stuff from like 1987) but once upon a time…

August 13, 2004 at 11:09 am

I hadn’t read of your obsession, but I’m in the midst of a mini-obsession of my own right now.

They announced their north american tour last week and I bought tickets Pittsburgh (7th row, 6000 seat arena) and Denver (general admission, 3000 person club) even though I live in DC and don’t know anyone in Denver anymore! I don’t love the last 3 albums, but they’re still better than what’s being played on the radio (OK, what isn’t!)

August 14, 2004 at 9:26 am

To Izoel,

I agree, life will catch up. The strange thing is that I mostly only write when I’m feeling icky, so life catches up with me pretty quickly on a daily basis. Most of the time the degree of happiness I feel, and how fortunate I feel to have the family and friends that I do and a roof over my head and no locust plage in my town, is pretty darn high. But I know there will simply always be feelings of discontent; that is, unless I actually figure out what I want from my life and then pursue it.

August 14, 2004 at 11:58 am

for some reason you gave me the impression of someone needing some good words, of course i’m not the most qualified to do this, but we all have been in this situations and i tought i’ll put my 2 cents worth.

the words “life will catch up on you sooner or later” (la vida te alcanzara tarde o temprano) were first given to me by my father, and everytime i feel like i’m not going anywhere with my current job or should be doing something else, i remember this and try to focus on the good things.

Glad to hear this days are the fewest for you, perhaps post a little more when you feel good about something?

August 14, 2004 at 10:21 pm

Yeah, probably a good idea, right? However, your good words are always most welcome. I do need them, and sometimes I also need a swift kick in the rear.