Paralysis
Posted August 4th, 2004 by MichelleI’m feeling like there is so much to do that I am unable to figure out where to begin. I feel like I’m trying to punch through marshmallow. I have so much to do at my job that sometimes it’s all I can do to make a list, that only in the making of the list do I feel satisfied because actually getting to the things on the list seems impossible. I don’t know how to do most of the stuff I’m supposed to do. I don’t know how to write grants. I don’t know how to create messaging. I don’t know how to effectively run an organization that is dying on the vine.
When I try, when I really try, when I draw upon what I DO know, I’m sometimes successful, but it is exhausting. And then I procrastinate because I don’t even know where to begin.
I have so many miles to run, literally, before I feel good about my body again, and I have no time nor money for a trainer who is wonderful but with whom I have yet to be successful, but it doesn’t matter anyway, because I don’t have any time or money.
And my poor, sweet cat had surgery today for a hematoma on his ear. Turns out that he’s had ear mites for over a decade, but he scratches them so furiously and shakes his head with such violence that he’s killed the mites off before they’ve been detected, but not before they’ve laid eggs. These mites have a very short life cycle in this turbulent atmosphere, but they’ve managed to adapt and procreate. Only because Fezzik was sedated were the vets able to go deep enough to find the eggs. Fezzik scratched hard enough to break a blood vessel, and then shook all the blood out into his ear tissue, which was so swollen today his ear was closed from within. They drained it, and stapled it, and now he has to wear an Elizabethan collar. Clearly, he’s thrilled.
And now I’m listening to him crash around the apartment. My lithe, stealthy, fluid cat is now running into walls. He just discovered that if he shoves his face into a wine bottle he can scratch his ears. Which is exactly what he’s not supposed to do.
Maybe it’s just that I had meetings until 6 PM today, or that I spent hours at the vet, or that it’s always hard come back after being in New York. Maybe it’s that I have conflicted feelings about a number of people in my life. Maybe it’s because my apartment is a mess and I’m broke and my cat just head-butted my wine fridge. Maybe it’s because I don’t feel like I’m fooling anybody. Maybe it’s because the caliber of professional people within this valley is so utterly disappointing. Maybe it’s because there is not one man in this state that I want to kiss. Or maybe it’s just that I’m still jet-lagged and I should shut the fuck up and go to bed.