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Posted October 27th, 2004 by Michelle

It’s really strange to be here. Back in California, I mean, in my little cottage, in my little job. It was so incredibly surreal spending a week in Iowa with people I adore. Seriously? It made me want to move back. Everyone keeps asking me how my trip was, what was my favorite part, and I’m pretty sure my favorite part was a random hour sitting on a couch with my family or Anastasia. There was no best part, really. Well, except for maybe Kent’s pancakes. Also, I was looking at my nephew Sean Patrick’s photo albums, the ones his mom Melissa made for him, and was stunned at the loss of all pictures of my brothers and I as kids. We have some random pictures, and I’m sure Ian has a hoard of them at the farmhouse, but I don’t even know where my baby book is. One evening, though, Melissa handed me a stack of photos that were just devastating- pictures of all of us, at every awkward age, divorce pictures, London pictures, pictures even from two Christmasses ago. Pictures of my mom and dad when they were actually married. Now that’s strange to remember. It’s one thing to hold that thought in your brain, but another altogether to see them in the same frame. Bizzare.

The last couple of days at work, I’ve sat at my desk and slowly ticked off the things I had to accomplish, but after each one, I sort of looked around to try to remember what I do for a living. Nine days is a long time to be away, and what it has done is given me a whalloping slice of perspective. I don’t know what I can accomplish in this job. I don’t know what is possible, regardless of who I know, and who my dad knows, and the excitement surrounding it… there is only so much money in this valley, and that money has gone to so many other worthy causes, and I don’t know how much is left for my organization. I’m plowing ahead with programs and plans but I don’t know how many people I may disappoint. That’s hard. And I don’t want to disappoint myself.

I’ve officially lived in Napa Valley for a year, as of October 23rd. Un-forking-believeable. So much happens in a year, and I can’t believe the itch is already here. Maybe it’s because I travel so much, I spend so much time on planes and in other locales, that eventually I don’t feel satisfied wherever I call “home”. I have the sweetest abode ever, the best little cottage in the world, and still, I wonder what it would be like to move to downtown Napa so I wouldn’t have to burn so much gas every day when I drive to work. I wonder what it would be like to move back to New York. I know it’s just that I’ve been gone, and I’m haunted by every place I’ve been, but the feelings are still there. I have friends and family who root me all over the country, but that is the problem, really.

Kent and Melissa have completely changed the way they eat. It’s incredible. I know I keep on using superlatives to describe everything but they are apt. Kent has always knocked my socks off when he steps into the kitchen, when he creates these amazing concoctions on his deliciously crowded electric stove, but this time, it was all about fresh vegetables and curries and wonderment. I mean, except for the pancakes. His wok is enormous and much-loved, his knives sharp and true, and both Kent and Melissa (and Anastasia) have inspired me to do something about the way I feel about my body right now. But really, I just want to be back around everyone. My dad is in the desert, my mom is in New York, my closest brother is two hours away. I mean, clearly it could be much worse, but I’m wishing that everyone would just come home for a little while. And then tell me where home is, so I could meet everyone there.