Musings

Posted October 31st, 2004 by Michelle

I spoke with an old friend of mine today for over an hour while I was raking crisp, brown leaves into mounds in my itty back yard. I’ve only known this friend for a few years, but now that a year has passed since we lived in the same town, it feels as though she’s from a time before. With how quickly things change, knowing someone for more than a few years at this point grandfathers them in to the “old friend” status. She was telling me about her new job, her challenges and prospects, and then finally admitted that she’s been seeing someone- another mutual “old friend” whom I just adore. He’s sweet, funny, adventurous, an activist, handsome… just lovely, and it’s funny, because there was a time when something between he and I might have been possible. I entertained the notion, but more as just that- entertainment- than anything serious, much like I have treated almost every man I’ve dated in the last four years. Clearly I’ve done plenty of pontificating and wondering and wandering through my love life, but I still need to revisit the patterns to determine where I’ve been and what’s happening now and where I’m going. The point is, I still do not believe that ultimately this guy and I would have been compatible. But the woman I spoke today is deeply in love with him, which is wonderful, but confusing. How can she take him so seriously? But the truth is, I think it was me who was incapable of something serious, not him. I’m thrilled for both of them, and have no pangs of a missed opportunity or anything useless like that. It just has made me look myself over, again.

My friend and I also spoke of a man who is still in my life, one who has been any number of things to me over the past two years: friend, albatross, lover, confidante, boss (whoops!), annoyance, thorn in my side, heartbreaker, idiot, supporter, and back to friend, in no particular order. He really believes that the future holds something deep and meaningful between us; my friend asked if he had a chance. I’m pretty sure the answer is no. He obliterated the trust between us, not by betrayal, per say, but by being an ignoramus, and I find it next to impossible to rebuild bridges once they’ve been razed by indifference. The weird thing is, when we speak on the phone or over email, we have these incredible conversations filled with confidences and hard questions and honest answers and I feel so warmly towards him, so intimate and loving, but the few times he’s been physically in front of me in the last year, those feelings aren’t nearly as prevalent. This is familiar to me, actually- the ease of loving someone who isn’t there- but I’m not really thrilled with that disconnect.

It’s become so clear to me what I want, so specific and true and simple, really. Seems to me that the law of averages will ultimately work in my favor, if only I open the right doors.