Foolishness
Posted November 23rd, 2004 by MichelleI seem to be incapable of giving up. Every time I say I have, every time I do something that indicates I have, something sad and silly endures and somehow I still believe I’m going to find that life partner who eludes me so thoroughly. I was talking to Sean today, and he was telling me how much he’s learned from the people with whom he’s been in relationships, and I so completely cannot relate. I haven’t been in a serious relationship in almost four years- FOUR YEARS!- and my relationship before that one taught me only what is bad between two people. Before that, well, that goes back to spring of 1995. Doesn’t even count. So I have only learned from my friends and family. I lucked out there, clearly, but I have no frame of reference as to how to relate to a man on a day-to-day basis, who is not family, but more than a friend, who could be smarter, cooler, wiser, and funnier than I am. I mean, wouldn’t that just be lovely? Someone to tell me I’m being ridiculous, or terrific. What’s that?
Back in the day, my ex used to call me, loaded and sad, crying because I wasn’t there to tell him he was okay. This is when we were together but living in separate states because, well, he was an awful addict and a ridiculous man but I couldn’t purge myself of him. He would cry and cry and tell me how he had to be the one to tell himself that he was okay. The problem was, he wasn’t okay, not nearly, and yet I can see him, looking at his red, bloated, drunken (and still very handsome) face in the mirror, telling himself that all was well, that he was a good guy, that he deserved more in life than the sad lot before him. I really doubt he ever decided to tell himself that he was a mess.
Anyway, I haven’t given up hope, because I brushed my hair and put on pink lipstick and I wait for the call to go on yet another first date. My life is filled with first dates. You could say that’s better than no dates, but meeting more men is not the boost giving me faith that the right one is out there. Meeting more men is making me wonder if I simply come from another planet and that’s why I can’t find someone who fits. But… still… I go. I don’t go with much hope, but I do go with as open a heart I can muster.
Word.
The frustrating thing is that in so many other facets of our life, we are in control of our success. If we work hard, we’ll get a raise. If we study hard, we get an A. But we can work as hard at dating as we want and it doesn’t necessarily help us find the right person for us. It does increase our chances, I know. But it’s a shame there’s such disappointment in the interim.
You are talented and kind, though, so it should work out for you.