and my heart beats so that I can hardly speak

Posted May 30th, 2005 by Michelle

Strangely enough, the internet at Ian and Tessa’s farmhouse is not cooperating, and so here I write into a Word document rather than my usual tempting of fate, writing directly on the Blogger server. I don’t really enjoy writing blogs this way; it weirdly takes out the immediacy I feel when I’m writing directly on the ether-world of cyber-space. This feels way too permanent. Also, I hate how Word doesn’t recognize “blog” or “email” as valid spellings. I mean, really.

I’m sitting in my usual bed here at the farm, once again looking at the far side of midnight, even though tonight there is no one to play pool and drink beer with and to keep me up until dawn. Instead, it is sweet baby Lucy’s laundry and dinner for her mom and dad and time spent with all the above that kept me up tonight. And what a blessing. Ian, Tess, Lucy and I went on a walk today that was the highlight of the whole weekend- and that is saying MUCH. It was stunning, breezy, sunny and sweet, and we walked by the house I’m going to buy someday- the white house with black shutters and a sun room and a porch painted sky blue on the ceiling, just in case the hue of the day is grey. But no grey today- just more beauty and wonder and reflection on yet another fabulous weekend here. It is so damn great to be here, to see all these people and sleep four to a room and remember what the dawn looks like from this side of the day. But it also reminds me- cements in me- the wants I have in my own life, and what it might take to get from here to there.

Only a day and a half left in New York- never, never enough time.

When I first got up to the farmhouse on Friday, I ran gleefully up the hill, cartwheeled about, ran down and into the barn where I breathed in the memory of dozens of parties, conversations, pool games, dinners, songs, kisses, and so very much more. You may say I’m sentimental or silly- I don’t mind. This here is sacred ground.