measurements « mlwms

measurements

Posted May 18th, 2005 by Michelle

I went to the dentist today, and as I was lying in the chair with long, sharp objects in my mouth, I heard a woman’s voice say, “Is that Michelle Williams?” I moaned an assent, and she came and towered over me- a hygenist or something, in full dental regalia- and said, “You don’t know me but I’ve heard about you and I’m just so glad about what you’re doing with the arts. This town is lucky to have you.” I moaned an acknowledgement- how could she know that my blood pressure was through the roof with fear, my right arm was asleep, and my right foot cramping something fiecre? (I kid you not. It was the most painful dental experience I’ve had in years, simply due to the cramp.) I suppose the point here, though, is that while it’s awfully nice to have someone say that, it also feels like… I don’t know. Pressure of a strange kind. So many people in this valley have told me how lucky we are to have my father here, and what he’s done for arts and culture, and now people are saying it to me, and it just really makes me think.

It makes me think about intention versus accomplishment. Yes, there are great things in the works, with which I’m involved, but what has been *accomplished*? It also makes me wonder what it would be like to have someone say that to me in a very different setting, i.e. somewhere where I’m affecting the lives of the truly unfortunate, as opposed to the slightly disenfranchised but reasonably well-off.

Don’t get me wrong- it’s wonderful to hear such things, and renews my commitment because it means I truly am affecting positive change. But it is also always a reality check. If you aren’t an artist, you won’t understand how little it means when someone in the audience comments on your work. Of course, you want them to comment, and you worry when they don’t, but whatever they say is largely meaningless. The want for them to comment is more just a verification of existence- that they showed up, that you really did the work you were supposed to do- but you know EXACTLY how good or how mediocre your work was that particular night, or in that particular piece, and what anyone else says about it is prattle. just noise. I know exactly what I am and am not accomplishing, I know how often my phone rings, I know how often I’m left out or looked over, I know what is happening. I know when I fail and succeed on tiny levels every day. I know when I’ve really put the hours in, or when I’ve whittled away an afternoon. I know.

When I bought my car, the pathetic fartknocker who was trying to wheedle more money out of me was also hitting on me while ALSO trying to get my advice on becoming an actor. It was repulsive on every level. He was asking me about my work (far more impressed with bad extra work in Hollywood than off-Broadway in New York) and telling me that he felt he could really “channel the angry stuff” and all sort of sickening clueless crap. At one point, he said, “So what do I do? How do I become an actor?” And I looked at him, controlled the seething, savage hatred I was feeling, and said, simply, “Go to class.” “What?” “Go to class. Learn. Start with a very basic acting class. There’s tons of them around here in the Bay Area. Go to class.” And he laughed out loud and said, “Class? No, I mean, don’t I just show up at auditions, and, like, when they say to act *mad*, I act *mad*, right? I think I’m gonna be really good at that stuff.”

I mean, I hardly even know what to say. Sean could rant about this far better than I, but the fact is, people know exactly nothing about most things, me included, so when a random person tells me I’m doing a good job, I sure as hell better not let that be a metric by which I gauge my success.

In other news, a week from tonight, I’ll be in New York! Huzzah!

6 Responses to “measurements”

Trajen says:

May 23, 2005 at 3:36 pm

First time I’ve been to your blog, (I linked from Sean’s). Interesting stuff, but I wouldn’t want to comment for fear of setting you off…. (lame attempt at humor).

Michelle says:

May 23, 2005 at 4:32 pm

Oh, now, c’mon, comment away!

Trajan says:

May 25, 2005 at 2:48 pm

okay, here goes.

The only feed back I’ve ever had that meant a damn thing to me was when my niece, five at the time, said “I love you Uncle Trajan”. I am a lawyer and I get paid to be an asshole and as a consequence, I deal only with other assholes. Count your blessings that you ran across some lame-ass who at least wanted to be nice.

Anyway, I digress.

Intention vs. accomplishment.

This is such a trap, or at least it has been in my life. The marker is constantly moved further away from your original intention. Do you even remember what your “original” intention was and how long ago you actually accomplished the goal? I remember when my intention was to be successful and I think I know what I thought that was at the time. Now, I guess I am successful, but I sure as hell don’t feel like it and I’m not sure I ever will feel like I’ve achieved what I set out to do….. save the world or at least make it a better place. This is all a result of the fact that all of my life I’ve been thinking about my life from an economic/professional point of view and never from a family/quality of life point of view. As I’ve aged, 37 now, I’ve slowly, very slowly, come to grips with the fact that we are all worker ants until the day we decide to be something else. Looking around at my family, friends and in some cases strangers (Ian), it seems that this point usually hits most people when you bring a new life into this world and allow some old soul to thrive. For me personally, I have come to realize that in the end, this is the only accomplishment that will be of any real consequence in my life and is in fact the void that aches in my heart.

I’ve read your posts on Ian’s web page and I know that you have been touched by the unbiased, infinite love of an infant. Is a touch and smile from Lucy not the pure love,happiness and accomplishment that you’ve been searching for? Anyway, enough.

Damn it, I got of track again, what I really wanted to know is, how do I become an actor…. j/k.

Good luck

May 25, 2005 at 9:13 pm

You are actually quite right, on all counts. The problem is, where I live, there is kindness oozing out of everyone at the exactly same time they are coveting your job or talking shit. I mean, that happens everywhere, but at least in New York, people are a lot more up front. And while that dental hygenist was being true and lovely, I guess… I don’t know- I have accomplished much in my 10 months at my job, but the one elusive thing- financial stability- is what would *feel* like success. However, I have to remember that I did not know, when I signed up, how bad the finances are, nor that it would fall to me to create that stability. Also, it’s a testament that we’ve lasted this long, and helped the people we’ve helped these 10 months.

It is a trap, to focus on accomplishment versus intentions, but intentions alone do not create change in a community.

And, yes, I suppose I am utterly transparent. I throw myself into my work life with such fierceness and passion not just because I believe in what I’m doing, but also because right now it’s what I’ve got. All I really want is, as you say, pure love, happiness, and yes, accomplishement, and by god, if I can’t have all three, I’ll work like hell for at least one.

May 26, 2005 at 6:06 pm

When I was twenty five I was cooking in a four star cafe in Austin Texas, hanging out, banging everything I could, smoking, drinking, staying on which every couch I could bum for a week or two… you get the idea… anyway, my brother-in-law tracked me down one day and told me he needed my help in El Paso Texas because he was starting a trucking business. I said, sure, when do you need me there, he said “tomorrow” so I packed my car with what I owned, (one stereo, four cds, and two trash bags of dirty clothes and took off for El Paso with about $20 in my pocket and $150 left on my credit card before I maxed it out.
To make a very long story very short, I worked harder than I had ever worked in my life. I had to scrape together payroll every Friday from God nows where, try to make payments when and where I could, and drive trucks sometimes for 10 -15 days non-stop. When I finally left two years later the place was up and running, good cash flow, good systems, and good people all in place. Nevertheless, it wasn’t the place I had envisioned two years before when I arrived. The place was still dirty, debt was still piled up and I didn’t manage to get my brother-in-law’s family to drag themselves into modern times. I considered the whole fiasco a disaster and more or less a failure. It wasn’t until five or six years later when I looked back and realized that the struggle, the battle, the constant feeling of dread was in fact wonderful. I was more alive then, more focused on what need to be done and more sure of what I was striving to accomplish than I ever was before and certainly more than I have been since.

What geographical area are you living in? I assume you are a part of a group of artist of some type but what job is making you nuts? I enjoyed the post above.

June 5, 2005 at 10:49 pm

Sorry about the lag time… I live in northern California, and I’m the director of an arts non-profit up here. And to speak quickly to your last comment, I know I’m going to look back on my years here with absolute incredulity- did I really live like that? Did I really work and sweat that hard? And wasn’t it a blast?- but when you are in the thick of things, sometimes it’s hard to enjoy them. But I do love my job, even when it drives me nuts.